SodaSaint Raids the Deep State Kitchen on Father’s Day and You’ll Love Him for It

Guest contribution by SodaSaint

*The walls of the Deep State Kitchen buckle as soda sticks his head through*


*soda makes like the Kool-Aid man and walks through the wall*

Now then… let’s get right down the NITTY GRITTY! Don’t worry about the wall, my fellow Blenderheads, I just improved the light diffusion and the view! you will need it to appreciate this kitchen alchemy, I promise you that!

SodaSaint’s Homemade, family recipe with his personal touch for a kickin’ tomato sauce, preferably shared at a family meal (and maybe with your dad, since today is Father’s day)

Things you’re gonna need

  • A Big pot. Preferably 6 to 10 quarts. And I do mean a big pot
  • Cooking surface, such as an oven griddle. This is a non-Deep-state-Trickery Recipe
  • Can opener, because all non deep-staters own one
  • Spoons, especially the large wooden kind. Duh
  • 4 x 28 oz. cans of crushed tomatoes of your preference
  • 1 or 2 12 oz. cans of Tomato paste, your preference
  • 1 or 2 large vidalia or large yellow onions
  • 4 oz. jar of minced garlic
  • Crushed Red Pepper (optional)
  • Salt
  • Pepper
  • Sugar
  • Oregano
  • Basil plant from the produce department at your local store
  • Sizable knife and a cutting board

Side note: keep at least one paste can! I’ll explain later!

The nitty gritty (or how to actually make this tomatoey gift from God)

Before you do anything, take the basil plant that you just bought, pluck the leaves and stick them into a baggy and stick it in the freezer. Let it sit overnight before you make this stuff.

Take your pot, and stick it on the stove, without the lid on (otherwise you’re going to hate me and yourself). Don’t put the heat on yet.

Open the crushed tomatoes and pour the red gold into your pot. Just sploosh it on in. Then, open and scoop in the tomato paste, one or two cans, depending on how thick you like your sauce. If you find it is too thick, take your empty paste can, fill it with water, and sploosh that in too. Stir your red gold up together.

Make with the choppy choppy of your onions. Dice them up however fine you like them, and just toss ’em in. Stir them in too.

Add half a teaspoon of salt, a teaspoon of pepper, 2 teaspoons of oregano, 2 tablespoons of the minced garlic. And Just a quarter teaspoon of Crushed red pepper, otherwise your butt will hate you (and so will your family if they’re of the same gastric sensibility). Add in more red pepper if you want, but I don’t recommend it. Then add three, yes, three tablespoons of sugar. You’ll need this to even out the acidity, and you might find you need more. Stir it all together.

And the basil! Don’t forget the basil! Pull that from the freezer, and as hard as you can, CRUSH IT TO ITTY BITTY PIECES LIKE THE BARBARIAN YOU ARE. Open the baggy and dispense them into the sauce. Good, GOOOOOD. Let the Italian savagery flow through you. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Stir it all in. Now.

Set this stuff to Low or medium heat, stir it in periodically, and you’re done!

Hey, wait a minute…


*Soda flees the kitchen and then smashes back through the opposite wall. It’s quite drafty now.*

Right. I don’t think I have enough room to dispense with the secrets of making the meat-a-balls, (which I shall cover in the comments section, you filthy Deep State animals), so for right now we’re just gonna chop in these three pounds of polish Kielbasa. Sploop it into the pot and stir it in.

When you’re done, kill the heat, boil some angel hair or spaghetti until it’s al dente, and serve together in a bowl at the table, preferably with accompanying wine and italian bread.


*Soda flies through the ceiling, leaving the Deep State Kitchen VERY drafty.*


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