There’s been some brilliant speculation as to the identity of the author of the NYT op-ed that was published earlier this week.
I believe people are missing the point. This is the Trump administration. The administration that levies blame for a vehicular assault both on the attackers and the victims. The administration that declares North Korea no longer a nuclear threat. The administration that believes Putin over its own intelligence services.
We don’t need brilliant speculation. We need Trumpian speculation.
To that end, we’re providing a few of our Trumpiest explanations of who wrote the op-ed, and we’re hoping for help. Brainstorming, people! It’s how real business leaders work, haven’t you seen The Apprentice or watched those Obama-era group huddle session thingies?
Patrick M. Shanahan, Deputy Secretary of Defense, wrote it because he was afraid that President Trump’s successful denuclearization of the Korean peninsula was threatening the military budget increases. That, and out of sheer envy of Donald Trump’s luxurious head of hair.
HUD Secretary Ben Carson wrote it two years ago, and just found it recently when he changed into a fresh set of clothes. In keeping with the expectations of the administration, the National Enquirer will also reveal that Carson is a psychic and produce notarized papers from their vault showing that he predicted, while on the campaign trail, that some day Trump would no longer adore Pecker.
Jayson Blair wrote it after telling the Times that he was Secretary of Truth in the Trump Administration.
Dan Coates, Director of National Intelligence, wrote it but only at the direction of Vladimir Putin. Putin insisted that the op/ed be written as a precondition of visiting the White House in 2019.
Ann Coulter wrote it in conjunction with Stephen Miller, after saying she was tired of the “abortion of a White House” and being secretly ushered out of the White House while hunting for a pet rabbit of Barron’s to kill.
Sarah Sanders did it in the conservatory with a candlestick. Wrote the op-ed, people. Keep your minds out of the gutter.
Donald Trump, Jr. wrote it but it was originally all about adoptions, and only became the current op-ed after a series of recollections and revisions. He then publicly discarded his expensive pen and replaced it with a cheap plastic one he found laying around the offices of Fox News.
Those are some of the possibilities, and we’re looking forward to hearing more.
Remember: Make Attributions Glib Again
