“Hey, Melania!” Donald shouts as he enters her room at the White House. “I just had a great idea.”
Stifling the urge to roll her eyes, the First Lady smiles frostily. “Yes? What is it?”
“I just got a big-government toady seated, and those suckers who were demanding another Scalia didn’t just accept it, they fought for it and cheered. I can do ANYTHING.”
“Yeessss…?” she answers, all too familiar with the process of waiting out the President’s self-praise and random superlatives.
“And they’re ignoring my huge spending increase just a week ago. Completely ignoring it, even though we’re spending YUGE amounts. Bigly yuge.”
“Yeesssss….?” She’s aware that she sounds frustrated, but knows Donald won’t notice.
“And they’re ignoring my new love, Kim Jong Un. Uh, sorry about that, by the way. I hope that’s not why you went to visit shithole.”
“It’s called Africa, Donald. Comrade Putin has told you to use the correct name. He even spelled it out phonetically for you.”
“Ha! You and your big words.” Donald Trump grins. “Anyway, I’m thinking… why stop there? I’m king, I deserve a real kingdom. We’ve had that Gorsuch guy from Infowars con everyone into talking about a Deep State-“
“That’s Corsi, Donald. Gorsuch was the first Justice, the one who actually was a Scalia type.”
He nods. “Yeah, that’s right. So, using that Gorsuch to con everyone-” Melania considers correcting him again, but realizes he’s accidentally been accurate despite himself. “-has me thinking. I need to put in a real deep state, in case someone tries to get me out of office someday. They can keep me in power.”
She wants to remind him about the way elections work, but realizes how much more damage Putin can do to the country if it’s got an even larger bureaucracy with greater power over things like civil asset forfeiture while simultaneously having fewer actual regulations to outline the use of that greater power. Melania’s smile goes from frosty to warm. “Why, Donald, I think that’s a wonderful idea,” she purrs. “Now let’s go watch the White House chef chop some mushrooms, before you get any other ideas.”
The White House has just put out a call for new Federal positions to be filled throughout the country! Let’s all help out and come up with some new slots, and some suggestions of names to fill them, shall we?
SECRETARY OF HEALTH & FITNESS: Chris Christie
MINISTER OF TRUTH: Sean Hannity
TAX ADMINISTRATOR: Timothy Geithner
SECRETARY OF FAMILY VALUES: James Woods
SECRETARY OF CHILD CARE: Ivanka Trump
DIPLOMATIC ATTACHE TO JAPAN: Kim Jong Un
DIRECTOR OF NATIONAL FILM PRODUCTION: Roseanne Barr
SECRETARY OF POSITIONAL REVERSAL: Erick Ericson
Who else can he add to the list?