It is an established !!!FACT!!!! that President Donald J. Trump is the greatest negotiator ever. This is how he was able to get such fantastic concessions as more cars being allowed into South Korea, knowing that having unbought American cars sitting in showrooms will project American strength; and getting a guarantee of competitive wages in Mexico if they hire enough workers to hit the required percentage, knowing that all Mexicans (and that includes everyone from countries south of Mexico, who still count as Mexicans for some reason that is absolutely NOT RACISM) will not simply start enough factories to stay under the percentage limit and therefore avoid having to raise wages.
(The rumor that MAGA is Central American shorthand for Make All Gringos Addled is complete hogwash.)
Today at the historic Trump-Xi meeting (historic because both of these men reach out and touch greatness. Xi, by demanding it be brought to him under penalty of incarceration by his underlings; Trump, by stretching out his pez-like fingers and grabbing it like a glowing ball at a bizarre photo-op) the rumors are flying as to exactly whether or not the trade war can be averted between China and the U.S.
Great news, fellow citizens under the Make America Glorious Orange Godling! We at TNB have received advance information, and know that not only will the trade war be averted, there are going to be a slew of new trades that have not yet been announced to the press.
How did we get them, when we’ve previously been a touch distrustful and even hostile to the MAGOG? Well, it’s because Trump is a big believer in Race Horse Theory and only respects those who have never bowed to him. So of course he respects us more than those who have capitulated.
Enough of the whys and wherefores. Onward to the new trades!
- The Hard Rock Casino in Atlantic City in exchange for land for Trump Tower Hong Kong. For some reason, the President seems to hold a grudge about that casino.
- Justin Bieber in exchange for Jane Zhang. Sure, Bieber’s not even American, but that’s not stopping Trump. The President looks forward to greeting the reigning queen of Chinese idol singers with… it says here “a firm hand and shake”, but that’s probably a typo.
- MLK Day in exchange for China National Day. “We are more united as a country than ever before,” the President said. “We need a holiday to celebrate that unity, not to remind us of division. Meanwhile, the Chinese really should learn to appreciate pioneers like Harvey Milk.”
- Satellite targeting and energy beam technology in exchange for four nifty new Space Force logos.
- GM, which has fallen on disfavor, in exchange for two tons of Aqua Dots to be shipped to clubs at various Trump properties with one case diverted directly to Jeffrey Epstein.
The trades will be bigly.
As always, if you happen to have additional information in this vein which we haven’t provided, please feel encouraged to let everyone know in the comment section.