We have friendly agents everywhere in the White House (well, not really… it’s not like we’re Russia, China, Turkey or North Korea) and because of them we were provided a piece of recently recorded audio. We thought we’d share it with our readers.
Trump: Who – who’s there? Melania? Ivanka? That pool boy we used to buy Falwell?
Ghostly Voice: You know who I am, Donny. I was here before you, and I did everything better.
Trump: Andrew Jackson? You’re my hero! Let me just get a cap for you to sign.
Voice: No, you idiot. I’m Richard Nixon. I look and sound nothing like Jackson! Where the… Okay. Okay, Dick, you can do this. Don, I’m the ghost of Republicans past. I’ve come to talk to you about-
Trump: Wait, if I’m going to be talking to a dead Republican, shouldn’t I have gotten Reagan? He’s the famous one.
Nixon: Reagan, Bush, Coolidge, Ike… none of them could stand to be in the same room with you. I took the job at the urging of Buckley. There were supposed to be three of us, but you’re lucky you got me.
Trump: Now, that’s just not true. I knew Ike Turner, and he loved me because I always told people it was Tina who abused him by hitching a ride on his talent….
Nixon: Shut up! (pause) All right. I’m here, Don, because I want to show you about the great things that Republicans were able to do in the past. We didn’t always get everything right, but we-
Trump: Waaaaahlll. None of you built a wall. A waaaaaahlll. I’m going to be better than any of you, because I already built the wall, and Mexico paid for it.
Nixon: There’s no wall, Trump. There are a few pieces that were there when you got in. There is some fencing. But there’s no-
Trump: There’s a wall in the future, and because all time can be charted along an axis with spacial components, the wall exists, it’s just not visible now unless you were to use positrons to capture an image from what we perceive as the future.
Nixon: Wait, that… that almost makes sense. Not quite, but still, how did you-
Trump: I read it in a comic book Matt Drudge gave to me. Then I grabbed him between his thighs because I thought he was a girl. He said he hadn’t been greeted so nicely since his dinner with Kevin Spacey.
Nixon: I’m just trying to remind you of the mistakes some of us made, and the strides we made toward a better country. I may have fouled up a few things, but I did it all in service to my-
Trump: Wahhhl. And I have a better enemies list than you.
Nixon: What? I can’t believe-
Trump: A better one. Mine’s got a special font. And gold leaf on the paper.
Nixon: Stop interrupting me, you fool. I’m trying to-
Trump: And I’m going to put you on the enemies list, because you keep saying bad things about me and I’m the President. People aren’t allowed to say bad things about me. I’ll sue you.
Nixon: (pause) I’m dead, you know. I’m a ghost, that’s why I’m here.
Trump: I’ll sue your ghost, then. I’ll have Rand Paul go dig up your body and bring it over here. Randy will do anything I say, as long as Putin tells him to.
Nixon: Enough of this crap. Now I see why Bush wouldn’t come. You’re hopeless.
Trump: No, I’m hopemore! Hopeish. Hopely. Whatever… people elected me for my “hope and change”.
Nixon: That was the guy before you! That’s it. I was going to tell you the stuff I learned about economics because of the mistakes I made, but I’m just leaving. I can’t deal with you.
Trump: Deal? I can deal! I’m the world’s greatest dealmaker! I can negotiate anything! I can… Jackson? Andrew? Where are you? (Pause) Huh. (Extended pause) (tapping noises) I… am… all… alone… poor… me…
end transcript excerpt