Today at 3 PM – er, 4 PM – the President is going to give an important speech to the nation. What will be the topic of the speech?
We don’t know. For a change, the President has chosen to not provide us at TNB with a preview copy. It has something to do with Steve’s new video series and Steve being a “looser”, whatever that means.
Theories are flying wildly. At first, it was suspected that Trump might use this occasion to declare the national emergency he’s been threatening. Doing so would allow him to bypass Congress and rule by decree, which, according to talk radio, is something that all true Conservatives want.
The current dominant theory is that the President will use this opportunity to offer Democrats something they purportedly want in exchange for wall money: extended protection for DACA and TPS (temporary protected status) recipients, possibly including citizenship.
But, while TNB was not made privy to an advance version of the speech, we were given the notes Trump made about the other offers he was ready to make in exchange for token funding of a part of “the wall”. In the interest of furthering public knowledge, we present the offers and his margin notations here:
- Trump Towers Istanbul (Erdogan keeps threatening me about them, might as well make them Nancy’s problem)
- Ann Coulter and two Stormfront prospects to be named later
- Half of the money Jeff Sessions had confiscated using civil forfeiture
- Access to the glowing Saudi finger-growth globe (I’m so glad they let me use that)
- Three hours with an unredacted Mueller report before the servers “accidentally” get erased (Bill tells me this technique is a surefire win)
- The same flight privileges Melania gets
- Photo ops with a life-sized cardboard cutout of me and certificates from a very prestigious real-estate university
- 24,912 leftover Trump/Kim summit medals, each numbered from a limitation of 25000 (The RNC should have let me be in charge of promotion. I can sell their people anything. Ronna McDaniel is an idiot looser, just like her uncle Mitt!)
- Mitt Romney’s fortune (glad I thought of that)
- Ten of the trademarks China gave to Ivanka ($$$$$$)
- Not just continued funding, but DOUBLE the funding for Planned Parenthood in the next CR. (If they were lives worth saving, they’d be named Trump)
- Box seats for Trump-Kim Summit II, “Trump’s Personal Vietnam” (note: See about getting “Gingham Style” singer for entertainment, think he’s NK. Japanese? Popular in Asia, though)
There were four more, but they were incomprehensibly smeared by food stains from the President’s daily taco bowl. We apologize for the loss.