As bona fide members of the national press (we’re being evaluated for White House Press credentials , just as were Infowars and the National Enquirer) we are occasionally privy to special perks given only to journalists and columnists. In this case, we have been given a partial transcript of a recent discussion between acting White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney and the President, Donald J. Trump. We cannot reveal our sources, but we wish to arbitrarily thank John Barron for general aid in, um, column-writing.
MULVANEY: Sir, your fans adore you. But your numbers are slipping among the independents. I’ve talked it over with your kids, and we think you should get a pet. It adds to the likeability and the perceived trustworthiness of people.
TRUMP: I have kids?
MULVANEY: Yes, sir. Eric, Donald Jr., Ivanka…
TRUMP (crosstalk): Oh, yeah. I wondered why I was keeping her around. I figured it was because she was hot.
MULVANEY: …Barron and Tiffany.
TRUMP: Wait, what? Barron, sure. But I’m sure I don’t have a kid named Tiffany.
MULVANEY: Um, yes, sir. She’s-
TRUMP: Levin would have told me if I had another daughter. Why are you lying to me, Mick?
MULVANEY: I-I must have made a mistake, sir. My apologies, sir.
TRUMP: I’ll accept that apology because it’s the type of guy I am. But I want a double sir for the next two days.
MULVANEY: Yes, sir sir.
MULVANEY: Well, sir sir, we were thinking you should get a pet.
TRUMP: What, like a dog? I hate dogs, Mick. They always want attention. And they sniff all the time, what’s up with that? Sorry, Mick, dogs are for losers.
MULVANEY: Dogs are a no…. How about a cat, sir sir?
TRUMP: Cats. Cats seem fine, but they only give you attention when they want. They ignore you otherwise. Do I seem like the type of guy who should be ignored, Mick?
MULVANEY: No, sir. You shouldn’t be ignored.
TRUMP: Didn’t I say you should double sir me for the next hour?
MULVANEY: No, sir. You said one minute, and I always obey you.
TRUMP: That’s why I love you, Mick. I love you, you know that?
MULVANEY: How about a ferret, sir? They’re somewhat popular among the youth, it could help you in that demographic.
TRUMP: They steal things, don’t they? I’ve heard that, they steal things.
MULVANEY: Yes, sir. They do, sometimes. So, no ferret.
TRUMP: I didn’t say that! Pets that can steal for you… I like that. Are they clean?
MULVANEY: Yes, sir. Although they don’t always excrete in their box. Sometimes they back into the nearest corner.
TRUMP: No. I’m not having anything that might poop where I can see it. I even built Melania a special bathroom so she can poop and fart and contact her superiors in private.
MULVANEY: Wait, what was that last part, sir?
TRUMP: Never mind. No ferrets. What else you got?
MULVANEY: How about a rabbit, sir? Good for photo ops, kept outside, someone else can maintain it…
TRUMP: They eat mushrooms. NO RABBITS.
MULVANEY: There’s always a fish. There are an array of beautiful fish, we could say they help you to focus your thoughts.
TRUMP: (Unbridled laughter)
MULVANEY: Good point, sir.
TRUMP: I’ve got an idea. How about Hannity?
MULVANEY: You mean, ask him for advice? We do that on foreign policy, we could do that for the pet…
TRUMP: No, I mean Hannity, living here in a cage in the basement or something. I think he’d like it. Three meals a day and he wouldn’t sniff.
MULVANEY: I don’t know if the responses would be good to keeping humans as pets, sir.
TRUMP: Are you kidding? All my best friends do it, and they’re loved! Kim Jong Un, Jeffrey Epstein, Roger Stone…
MULVANEY: Um, good point, sir. Well, I’ll talk to Hannity about that option. And I’ll let your kids know what you said.
TRUMP: I have kids?