Tonight begins Daylight Saving Time throughout the country. Everyone sets their clocks forward, thus shifting the amount of daylight available during the standard workday. Of all of the United States, only Arizona and Hawaii do not participate.
Or at least, that’s what They want you to think.
Due to my efforts hunting conspiracies, I have discovered the Truth about Daylight Saving Time. You can tell it’s real because the word Truth is capitalized.
The politicians are stealing the hours.
They don’t use the time sparingly for great kindnesses, like in Harlan Ellison’s Paladin of the Lost Hour. No, they use it for far pettier reasons. And I’m ready to spill the beans.
Here, for your edification, is what some key American politicians do with that hour which is foolishly bypassed by most of the rest of the country:
President Trump gets his one hour of sleep per year. This is why, immediately afterward, his tweets and decisions are spelled correctly and presented in complete sentences. Unfortunately for us all, sleep does nothing to correct venality or stupidity.
Corey Booker stages a personal baconfest, with BLTs, eggs benedict and more. Before the hour is up and photographers can come out, he runs over and stashes the empty packages in Ilhan Omar’s trash can just to mess with her.
Bernie Sanders does the same thing he does every night – try to take over the world. Rashida Tlaib follows Bernie around and tries to help him, occasionally saying “Poit!” for no discernible reason.
Justin Amash will spend the hour watching talking animal videos on Youtube.
Hillary Clinton uses her time away from any potential witnesses to read Cybersecurity for Dummies. Again.
Bill Clinton uses his time away from Hillary to visit a Tokyo Day Spa in Miami. Again.
Donald Trump, Jr. moves his clock backward one hour.
Various Republican officials and in-on-the-secret donors spend the hour chatting up and getting autographs from Bill Clinton.
Kellyanne Conway seeks out the six human sacrifices she will need to regain her youth. George Conway will once more act to stop her. Action sequences will abound, culminating in a climactic swordfight atop the Washington National Cathedral.
Those are some of the ones I know about. But for a chaser of a little bit of hope and decency – and one of the final appearances of the famed Danny Kaye – here’s the aforementioned Paladin of the Lost Hour.