Political Humor – Lost In Trumpsnation

We regret to say that as yet, TNB has not been cleared for White House Press credentials. We have been assured that it is merely a clerical error that is holding up the approval. In the interim, as a token of good faith, we have been given another partial transcript of a recent discussion between acting White House Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney, Presidential Advisor Ivanka Trump and the President, Donald J. Trump.

MULVANEY: Mr. President, I know you’ve been concerned about the recent developments with your taxes –

TRUMP (angrily): I told you not to use that word, Mick.

MULVANEY: I’m sorry, Mr. President. I was just going to suggest an idea –

TRUMP: I don’t want to hear any of your ideas, not after you’d do such a thing, Mick.

MULVANEY: Ivanka, could you come here, please?

IVANKA: Daddy, I really think you should listen to him.

TRUMP: Damn, who’s the hottie, Mick?

MULVANEY: She’s your daughter, sir.

TRUMP: I have kids?

MULVANEY: Yes, sir. And you’ve said you like to listen to the, because they have Trump blood. So what we were thinking –

IVANKA: They want you to star in a movie, Daddy.

TRUMP: I like this “Daddy” thing. And, uh, maybe a casting couch? We got a casting couch around here?

MULVANEY: I’m sorry, Ivanka. Here, sir. Take some of your adderall. Pretend they’re those Flintstones Chewables you like to reminisce about.

TRUMP: Rush gave me those. I couldn’t feel anything for a week. Not even sympathy for those Mexican kids me and Stephen Miller stole, the ones from El Luchador. (laughs)

IVANKA: El Salvador, Daddy.

TRUMP: No, none of those kids have daddies, they’re all just coming over the wall alongside those gang members with MS.

(Pause)

MULVANEY: MS-13?

TRUMP: Yeah, they may be spazzes but they can climb walls.

(Pause)

MULVANEY: Mr. President, we were thinking of a short film, something like the Barney-cam that was done… by another President in the past who wasn’t nearly as great as you.

TRUMP: If he wasn’t as good, why would I do what he did, Mick?

MULVANEY: You’d be much better than him, Mr. President. You’d be best.

TRUMP: I gave Melania that phrase, you know. I wanted her to sound Englishican.

MULVANEY: That was the suspicion, sir. Now, the movie would be called Lost In Trumpsnation… a play on that Lost In Translation movie a few years ago, because that had people in Japan and you’re going to be touring Japan.

TRUMP: I have a new nickname for Prime Minister Abe. “Chemo Abe”. Because it sounds like Kemo Sabe, you know. He gets to be my sidekick. And he’s got all those chemical weapons all over his country after that Fugu-Sheena thing. I heard they’re all short. If that true? I bet they are, because of the chemical weapons.

MULVANEY (overtalking): …And with the title, and Abe doing what he can to ensure that you have good pressers….

TRUMP: Hey, I always have good pressers, Mick. And I just thought of another one. I think I’m going to call him Kneeso. You know, because his name is “Shinzo”? Shins, knees, I’m sure he’ll think it’s funny. See, that’s why I am a…

MULVANEY: You’re a what, sir?

TRUMP (agitated): Damn it, Mick! What have I told you? What do I tell everyone, and now you’re not even willing to admit it? You’re part of them, aren’t you, Mick? Spygate? You’re the head of the deep state, admit it! ADMIT IT!

MULVANEY: Oh. You’re a stable genius, sir. A very stable genius.

TRUMP: Whew. You had me worried for a minute there.

MULVANEY: Anyway, sir, we have your itinerary for Japan here…

TRUMP: Can you reduce that down from two pages to one, Mick? I’ve only got an hour and a half to read it.

MULVANEY: Absolutely, sir.

TRUMP: Or maybe you could get that hottie over there to read it to me. Make it like an audiobook.

MULVANEY: That’s your son Barron, sir.

There’s more to the transcript, but we at TNB prefer to focus on the news and opinion of the day, and the news it the possibility of the small promotional movie. We will see if it comes to fruition.

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About AlienMotives 1116 Articles
Ex-Navy Reactor Operator turned bookseller. Father of an amazing girl and husband to an amazing wife. Tired of willful political blindness, but never tired of politics. Hopeful for the future.