We are privileged to have a first draft of the press statement which actor Cuba Gooding, Jr. has slated for next week. As it has been cleared for distribution and we have not seen it anywhere else, we are pleased to provide it for you.
CUBA: Ladies and gentlemen of the press, I want to thank you for coming.
I am fully aware that most of you in attendance expect me to address the allegations of sexual groping, and I will do so. I wish to make it clear that I have never, and will never, commit any type of sexual assault on people, including groping. It is in direct contravention of my values and moral standards.
Video has emerged which, depending on how it is interpreted by a given viewer, either exonerates or condemns me. Realizing that I am in a situation where many people are going to believe that I will arbitrarily grope women and expect to get away with it because of my fame, I intend to take the only available course of action.
I am thus announcing my candidacy for President of the United States.
It is my understanding that the mere act of running for the office completely immunizes from being investigated for sexual assault even if you’re on tape clearly saying you regularly greet women by groping them; furthermore, even if you happen to be moving toward conviction and sentencing for major crimes such as fraud, all of the prior legal action against you is to be considered nullified.
I want a piece of that action.
Right now, it is apparent that what is needed by the Democrats is name recognition and a lack of wide-eyed crazy. I believe this is the reason why Biden – an old white man with a history of questionable behavior with women, racist jokes and charges of abusing his authority to benefit his kids – is currently in the lead. After all, we’re trying to get rid of one of those right now.
Well, old orange man. Old white-orange man. Whatever the hell he is.
I wish to remind everyone that I’ve got bigger name recognition than Biden; unlike Booker, I don’t mind eating a hamburger; unlike Warren and Bernie, I’ve got no interest in trying to one-up the crazy in the current White House; and unlike Beto, I know how to talk to people without having to stop in the middle of sentence, roll up my sleeves and jump on top of a table.
I believe that despite my public embrace of my Christianity and moderate policy, I can make significant headway into the hard left wing of the Democrat party because many are hardwired to support Cuba over any American politicians.
I’m comfortable around gays, as demonstrated by my hit movie Boat Trip. I’m an expert on military defense, as demonstrated by my beloved movie Pearl Harbor. I’m even good with animals, as demonstrated by my clever and touching movie Snow Dogs.
I can also lie better than Trump, having just called those movies a hit, beloved, and clever without breaking up laughing.
So I ask that all Americans consider voting for me in the upcoming Democrat primary, then supporting me in the general election against Trump. Remember, just because I played Ben Carson doesn’t mean I’m secretly conspiring with Trump on the campaign trail. I just want to get that sweet, sweet immunity.
I will now take questions.
