“Hello! My name is Larry the Unicorn Spider, and I want to welcome you to Marianne Williamson’s brain! Life is unusual but wonderful for those of us living in here, and I understand that it can be a little difficult for outsiders to comprehend the special way the world is seen from in here. Because of that, I’m going to provide a guide for translating Marianne’s words into real-world meanings.”
“Every thought we think is like a missile delivering either harmony or chaos. And it lands on us!” means “Trump is pissing off our allies, strengthening our enemies and undermining American influence in the world. Even I can see that. And so can the aliens from Planet X, who have told me they’re holding Pluto hostage. Poor, poor Pluto.”
“The universe is an infinite opportunity creation machine. The possibility of greater possibility is programmed into the nature of things.” means “Admit it. Nobody knows if I’d really raise taxes or if I’d just sit in the Oval Office higher than Gary Johnson on a helicopter tour in Denver. Isn’t that your best possible option among either of the two biggest parties right now?”
“Only one thing matters: the purity of your mission.” means “May I mambo dogface to the banana patch?” Sorry, folks, sometimes she is just as incoherent as she seems.
“Genes exist to pass down our hopes and dreams for the future through our children. Living is a link to the future. That’s how all life works. Loving each other, teaching each other … that’s how we can change the world” means “If only someone had kept Trump from being vaccinated, maybe he wouldn’t be an evil bastard stealing and torturing kids.”
“So I, sir, I have a feeling you know what you’re doing. I’m going to harness love for political purposes, I will meet you on that field, and sir, love will win.” means “Everyone else here is talking about their plans for clean energy. Well, I’m going to strap little rods to everyone about to have sex, put magnetic fields up all over the place, and use that motion to solve our power generation problems. I don’t want clean energy. I want dirty, dirty energy.”
“Just beneath the surface, this isn’t politics it’s black magic. Entirely a psychic battle. Use your shield of Virtue and your sword of Truth.” means “Christine O’Donnell, I’m still watching you.”
“Today let’s honor the soldiers who died so we might be free AND atone in our hearts for those having died because of military misadventures.” means “Bernie stomped a puppy to death backstage. Please, send help. I’m blinking to indicate that we’re all being held hostage up here.”
“We’ve done it before. Deep inside, hidden in our cultural DNA, we have the potential to rise up as we have risen up in times past. This play isn’t over; it’s just the beginning of the third act.” means “Come on, Kamala, I’m an old white guy too, I think…. I haven’t checked very recently… but I want some of that negative energy you’re sending toward Biden. I want to absorb it and send it back into the world as tasty rainbows.”
“You ARE at the right place and this IS the right time. Every aspect of your reality provides the opportunity to make your next best move.” means “Someone go get me some more weed. I’m almost beginning to become rational again, and I don’t like how Bernie’s eyeballing that seeing eye dog over there.”
