Suicide Bomber Squirrel

Eastern grey squirrel, photo by

The Night Owl “Aggressive Squirrel trilogy” comes to an end with a tale from Chicago, 2016.

Before anyone thought of handing meth to squirrels, Chicago Alderman Howard Brookins decided to speak to the city council about what he considered a dire development: the increasing aggression of city squirrels.

He spoke in October about one problem in particular: garbage cans. Some in the local bushy-tailed population had discovered that chewing through the hard plastic coating gave access to delicious food waste inside. The city was dealing with increasing costs to replace the cans, and Brookins wanted the city to examine ways to end the problem.

He should have remembered the movie The Untouchables, and in particular a speech given by Sean Connery about the Chicago Way. Put something down? That something will put you in the hospital.

Evidence of the “Chicago Way” came a few weeks later in late November. Brookins was riding his bike on a designated trail when a squirrel leaped into his front tire spokes. The Alderman was thrown over the handlebars at high speed, and suffered injuries including a broken nose, a fractured skull and five teeth that were either broken or completely knocked free.

The Chicago Tribune interviewed him about it afterward. He was able to find the humor in the situation.

“I can think of no other reason for this squirrel’s actions than that it was like a suicide bomber, getting revenge,” he said Monday as he began what his doctors have told him will be a months-long recovery, including further surgeries.

He added Monday that the incident probably was the closest he has ever come to death and that he is thankful because “I could have broken my neck.”

If any squirrels visit his home in the coming weeks, he said, “I’m calling animal control!”

And considering that I wrote the nightly conversation starter incorrectly last night, I’m putting the correct one in tonight.

Question of the night: What do you think is the worst reboot / remake?

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About AlienMotives 1991 Articles
Ex-Navy Reactor Operator turned bookseller. Father of an amazing girl and husband to an amazing wife. Tired of willful political blindness, but never tired of politics. Hopeful for the future.