Political Humor – Absolutely True QAnon Revelations

It takes a special kind of person to believe that a multi-page manifesto and actual statements by someone aren’t credible, but the word of a habitual liar is. Some would term those people “gullible”, “cultists” or “fools.” But there is a more accurate term: insiders.

They know the truth, because they’ve been told by those who are personally in on the secrets. Well, impersonally, because their informants won’t reveal their actual identities, but they’re certain to be honest because they claim to have a really, really high clearance.

They are QAnon and the QAnon followers. President Trump loves them.

Thus, the blaming of video games for the shooting… shortly after the release of a detailed scientific study from Oxford concluded no correlation exists. And after the Trump administration in 2018 completed its own study, with the same conclusion.

Certainly, this looks like incompetence. It’s actually a carefully crafted plan to allay concerns. As evidence, I present to you the results from a very carefully arranged dumpster dive at a beachside city in Florida, where at this very moment Rush Limbaugh is pretending any of his wives still like him and thousands of McConnell’s relatives are preparing to hatch.

It is the secret list of alternate QAnon theories.

  1. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez is secretly Hillary Clinton, having been given youth-replenishment treatments by injecting the cells of trafficked children.
  2. President Trump is manipulating Kim Jong Un into firing all of his missiles into the sea, at which point Kim is going to join the cast of the Teletubbies reboot as “Cuddles McDumpy”.
  3. Millions of Mexicans from all over South Amexico are going to replace the white people of the United States. Not with Mexicans, but with Taco Bell chalupas. If Trump isn’t re-elected, on November 31 of next year, people will wake up to giant chalupa constructs in bed with them, their loved ones whisked away to work in the salsa mines.
  4. Jeffrey Epstein is Bigfoot.
  5. The dozens of Trump Administration resignations and firings have nothing to do with demonstrated incompetence but are because they are all members of the DEEEEP STAAATE. This much is known. What was not known, until recently, is that the Deep State is Arizona.
  6. Don’t drink Arizona iced tea!!!!!
  7. Jamal Khashoggi sneaked into Trump Tower and stole some of Trump’s special hair dust, the stuff the aliens gave him. That was why he had to die… no other human could handle the powers, and Khashoggi was dangerously close to exploding from within and destroying everything within a five-mile radius. We are giving the Saudis nukes as thanks, not as part of any kickback scheme.
  8. Alex Jones will be replacing Mike Pence as the Vice President for Donald Trump’s second term.
  9. All of the damage that farmers are experiencing due to the tariffs is going to be reversed when Trump uses the wish from the seventh Dragonball, so it’s all going to work out.
  10. Anyone who does not remove their hat for the singing of the national anthem – even a small child – is, in fact, a secret Mexican agent. President Trump wants you to beat them until they suffer brain injuries. (This one was hastily scribbled out, with a penciled note in the margin – “Kellyanne, did you actually post this to 8-Chan early?)
  11. Bernie is not a destructive force in American politics, but is in fact the only reasonable alternative to President Trump. This can be demonstrated by the similarity of their foreign policy and the love both have for tariffs. They are outsiders. And QAnon is not another Russian scam.
  12. President Trump has been using a body double the entire time, sneaking off at regular intervals to fight crime as the masked hero The Eugenicist. All ignorance and gaffes he has demonstrated to date have been by his double, played by former Mavs ManiAAC Erbie Lee Bowser.

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About AlienMotives 1526 Articles
Ex-Navy Reactor Operator turned bookseller. Father of an amazing girl and husband to an amazing wife. Tired of willful political blindness, but never tired of politics. Hopeful for the future.