We’ve had News From the Future before; it’s a handful of stories which are about things that are scheduled to happen during the week. This, however, is news from the far future.
Six months may not seem like the far future, but how many times have you looked back a month or even a week and thought, “Wow, I believed I’d seen the upper limits of crazy, and I hadn’t seen anything.” Ladies and gentlemen, I remind you of a desire to purchase Greenland, ordering businesses to withdraw from a country, being the Chosen One and disloyal Jews.
That’s not just resting a case, that’s giving the case a five-week spa retreat.
Without further ado, I give you some headlines and capsule summaries of stories from next year. I challenge anyone to tell me, definitively, that they will not happen.
NUCLEAR MISSILE HITS SAN FRANCISCO – A single tactical nuclear missile hit San Francisco at 4:23 PM today, resulting in at least 1900 deaths with many more injured. The strike happened at Twitter headquarters, nineteen minutes after the company confirmed it had permanently suspended President Trump’s account due to threatening and hateful language.
TRUMP CLAIMS TO “SAVE EASTER” – The President yesterday claimed, during an interview, to have “Saved Easter, the way I saved Christmas. People couldn’t talk about Easter, they couldn’t mention religion. My administration has issued an edict, using Emergency Powers, that requires all Easter chocolate to be white chocolate only. The idea is that white represents purity, so it’s religious. I’ve put the East back in Easter. You know, like the Far East, where the Wise Men came from I know all about the Wise Men because I’m a stable genius.” The statement about the new order came during his discussion with Dana Loesch, who recently took over the Sean Hannity show following the “More Chicks On News Channels” emergency act.
PRESIDENT DECLARES NEW OLYMPICS – President Trump today informed the head of the U.S. Olympic team that they were not going to be allowed to participate in the Tokyo Summer Games following what he described as a “terrible insult, just terrible” from Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. “When you insult me, you insult America, and America is not going to roll over for any foreign leader”. The insult was believed to have been Abe’s comment on Thursday, “I believe my friend Donald may have a difficult re-election.” The move comes as President Trump sits at a 40% approval, 58% disapproval rating in the latest polls. Instead of going to the games in Tokyo, President Trump has ordered that a new set of U.S.-only Olympic Games is to be held in two weeks’ time. Stadiums around Mar-a-Lago have been instructed to speed construction of the necessary venues.
IVANKA GIVEN TRADEMARK FOR CHINESE ABORTION CLINICS – The White House today provided assurances that the trademark for the “Ivankkkagone” clinics, three hundred of which are already in construction throughout the Chinese mainland, are not indicative at all of any backroom dealings with the country’s leadership; nor is any of the money being generated by President Trump’s businesses, which are being run in part by his daughter, going to President Trump. They have also stated that abortion is not murder if it happens to non-Americans. Pastor Robert Jeffress has issued the statement of “Good enough for me!” The clinics follow the recent trademark and construction of “Ivankkkagone” Pest Removal Chambers throughout Hong Kong.