Political Humor – The General Debate

Official portrait of United States Vice President Joe Biden. Photo by David Lienemann.

PoliLies (The factual fact-checkers!) has been working to rate some of the less accurate claims from the first debate of the general Presidential election, held between Republican President Donald Trump and Democrat contender Joe Biden. Unfortunately, so many inaccuracies were presented during the one-hour event that PL has had to start explaining them more than a year in advance if they’re going to get finished with all three debates by early November. We are excerpting from the first batch of transcript pages released.

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Moderator: “Let’s address health care. That’s an important issue these days, as people-“

Biden: “I care about health care. Just backstage, I saved a woman’s life by performing the Heimlich on her. She was choking on her cancer.” PL: Research shows that Biden was conflating things; he had met a man named Heimlich at a prior event, and that former Marianne Williamson voter had mentioned that his astrological sign was Cancer. There was a woman backstage who had choked for a moment when Biden offered to massage her shoulders.

Trump: “There are no women backstage. I’ve saved plenty of people from cancer by taking the windmills off my golf courses. We used to have a windmill that you had to putt the ball through… greatest hole you ever saw. China wishes it had a hole like that. And Joe, it’s pronounced “chocker”. PL: The word is pronounced choker. Trump appears to be describing a miniature golf course, as opposed to one of his resorts. Technically, as was demonstrated by the release of Trump’s tax records, they’re really not his resorts, they’re more accurately resorts owned by Russians that bear his name. Chinese officials, asked about their hole envy, responded that they already have to deal with Trump who is “the biggest hole around” before snickering.

Moderator: “Sirs, I’d like to ask a question-“

Biden: There are women backstage, and they matter, Harvey. Even if they’re not pretty enough to be taken to your island or offered film deals if they keep quiet about you trying to have sex with them, they’re still women. PL: Biden appears to have confused President Trump with both Jeffrey Epstein and Harvey Weinstein.

Trump: If they’re not greeted by a hand to their crotch, they’re not women. Al Franken used to disagree with me on a lot, but he was with me on that. PL: Most biologists we contacted strongly dispute Trump’s claim about women, but some refused to respond, claiming “it’s a trick question, you’re just trying to get me to admit there’s a physiological difference between men and women so you can get me fired!” PoliLies sent a fact-checker to speak with former Senator Franken about the “greeting” statement, and Franken greeted her by cupping her between the legs; we have thus determined that part of Trump’s statement to be true.

Biden: That is so disgusting. No wonder Melania offered to sleep with me. PL: Unverifiable.

Trump: Joe, she wouldn’t offer to sleep with you. Justin Trudeau, sure. Emmanuel Macron, yes. Shinzo Abe, yes. Angela Merkel, yes. Did she offer some of those sports teams something special to go with their hamburgers? Of course she did. But none of that’s any different from what Hannity did. And-” (This was the first point in the first debate where Trump pitched forward, grabbed the podium and fell to the ground.) “I’m fine. I’m not laying on the ground at all! I’m standing up! Fake News!” PL: We were able to verify that Sean Hannity did offer himself to all of the people named, but no confirmation was made on the Shinzo Abe/Melania proposition. Trump was, in fact, laying on the ground.

Biden: That was you, and you didn’t offer yourself to Shinzo Abe, it was bending over for Kim Jong Un. Get up, and I’ll expose you like a VP exposes himself in front of female Secret Service agents. PL: It has been verified that during his tryst with Kim, President Trump did not bend over at any time but simply had himself spread-eagled.

Moderator: Sirs, please… Mr. President, we’ll help you up, and then we can hopefully resume-

Trump: “I’m already up! I’m standing! Move that camera to focus on my face!” PL: President Trump had not yet moved from the ground.

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About AlienMotives 1177 Articles
Ex-Navy Reactor Operator turned bookseller. Father of an amazing girl and husband to an amazing wife. Tired of willful political blindness, but never tired of politics. Hopeful for the future.