It happens. You’re walking down the street in Manhattan when you pass someone famous. Was that who you think it was? Your mind races, and you try to recall details…
To help in such a situation, we at TNB have created a convenient checklist to help you determine the identity of the person you may have just seen. Please feel encouraged to print it out and keep it on your person, the next time you may be walking down Fifth Avenue.
Add a point every time you think the answer was ‘yes”
- Do they have a history of fighting crime?
- Were they large, puffy and white?
- Did they become famous in New York?
- Is their fame associated with mass media?
- Have they been a corporate mascot / spokesman?
- Are they a destructive force in the world?
- Have they been seen hanging out with Don King?
- Does Sean Hannity kiss up to them?
- Are they comfortable around mass murderers?
- Did they have a strange thing on their head?
- Were they making an incomprehensible noise from their mouth?
- Are they associated with skyscrapers?
- Do they have cultists?
- Do they gain power by manipulating naive white people?
If you scored two, you just passed Cthulhu. Keep moving.
If you scored three, you just walked past Shaft. Go get an autograph.
If you scored four, you had the opportunity to meet Curtis Sliwa, creator of the Guardian Angels. It’s up to you if you want an autograph, but he might be able to break your hand if you’re rude about it.
If you scored five, you just encountered “America’s Mayor” Rudy Giuliani. Try to remember the good times.
If you scored six, behind you is Reverend Al Sharpton. Check your pocket to make sure you still have your wallet.
If you scored eight, you just missed your chance to meet Rush Limbaugh, or if you are female, a chance to get married for a few months.
If you scored ten, you had an encounter with the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man. I’d hesitate before walking into any nearby churches.
If you scored thirteen, you just walked past President Donald Trump. Check your pocket to make sure you still have your wallet, and keep moving or you might get asked to spank him with a rolled-up magazine. You’d be better off inside the squashed church.
