“Nancy?” The door opens slowly, and Representative Nadler’s head peeks into the room. “Nancy? We have to talk.”
“Oh, Jerry. I’m glad to see you. I was thinking about that whole impeachment thing you were mentioning before. I still don’t think it’s a good idea. You see, right now, the majority of the country doesn’t agree with it, and the Republicans would simply shoot it down in the Senate. You remember how emboldened they were after we couldn’t stop Kavanaugh? That blue wave still happened, but it was about a third of the size it could have been.”
“Actually, Nance, this is kind of related… I was looking at holding Corey Lewandowski in contempt.” With this, Nadler slides into the room. Speaker Pelosi blinks up at him from her desk.
“Corey? Such a sweet boy. I loved him in License to Drive and The Lost Boys. There’s no reason to be contemptuous of him. Sure, there are his “angels”, that’s kind of freaky….”
“Nancy, that was Corey Feldman, not Lewandowski.”
“No, no, they’re the same person. Trump told me so himself.”
“He’s an insane serial liar, Nance. That’s one of the reasons people want him impeached.” The “I” word makes Pelosi’s fingers start tapping against each other, like a spindlier version of Montgomery Burns.
“Maybe so, but he wouldn’t lie about wanting Hollywood people fawning over him.”
“He’s also an idiot.”
“Ooooh, good point. So, Lewandowski… why do you want to hold him in contempt?”
Nadler sighs. “He was lying to Congress, defiant, refused to answer legal questions, aggressive…”
“Did he spit on you?”
“Did he spit on you?” Pelosi leans forward in her chair.
“No. Nancy, he’s too far away, he’d have to be a champion spitter to reach me from where he sat. And what does that have to do with-“
“Then no contempt.”
Nadler’s face grows red. “Look, Nancy, I understand that you’ve got a good setup here, but we’re supposed to be the check on unlimited use of power. I know you don’t really give much of a damn about the Constitution… hell, none of us do, except that Amash weirdo… but at a certain point, the American people expect us to step up and do our jobs.”
‘Jerry, most of the Presidential candidates who are running are hard-left nutcases. If they get the nomination and we’ve got an emboldened Republican party because the Senate refused to remove Trump, we could wind up with another four years of Mushroom Seed, the fungal fuckup. You know that.
“Moreover, the way it stands now, Trump keeps expanding the power of the President. When he gets knocked out, whoever we get in will effectively be a king. Then we can have just about anything we want.”
Nadler angrily raises his voice for a moment, then calms as Nancy gives him a look. “Nance-! I mean, Madam Speaker, Nancy. What we’re doing is convincing a lot of people that all of the President’s criminality is overblown and fake. They’re saying that if he had actually done all of these crimes, then the Democrats, who obviously hate him, would have already pulled the trigger on impeachment.”
“I let you say they’re impeachment hearings.”
“But then they have to mean something. We’re telling all our activists that we’re not going to really stand up for what they want. We’re telling all of the fence-sitters that Trump’s telling the truth, because otherwise we’d have impeached him immediately after the Mueller Report dropped. Think about that… we’re making people believe that Trump is honest. I knew we’d defend murder and steal people’s money and rights, but I didn’t think we’d sink so low as to imply Trump was honest. That’s ninth circle of Hell stuff.”
An aide bursts in through the front door. Seeing Nadler inside, the aide hesitates, then decides to speak.
“Corey Lewandowski just grabbed Steny Hoyer by the arm and threw him to the ground!”
Nadler looks at Pelosi, who is shaking her head. “No, Jerry. No contempt.” She turns her back, dismissing him. As he sighs and walks away, he can hear her muttering, “Such a shame, he was such a nice kid in Lost Boys.”