Some have noticed that President Trump’s “perfect” letter to Turkey’s Recep Erdogan seems, at first glance, to be less than perfect. People have called it astonishing, simplistic, or even the ramblings of a egotistical boor with the intellectual prowess of a stump.
I trust my President, though. If he says it’s perfect, then it must be perfect. In this case, it cuts right through reason and gets to the heart of what matters: toothless and irrational threats combined with childish whining. The President knows that when you want to get through to a world leader, that’s what you need.
At least, that’s what he responds to.
As a means of verifying this, we at TNB have hunted down some of Trump’s other recent letters to world leaders, and we have not been disappointed. Trump’s perfection continues to shine through with each of them… particularly after multiple layers of proofreaders cleaned up the punctuation and spelling.
To Justin Trudeau:
I want to know how you get re-elected after being demonstrated to have been openly racist. This is not a minor matter to me. If you tell me, I’ll be your best friend. Pinky swear. Yours, Donald Trump
To Volodymr Zelensky:
You’d better not tell anyone else about the aid stuff or I’m going to come over there and give you an Indian burn. You know what that is, right? It’s when I give all your aid money to Prime Minister Modi so he can build me a new Trump Tower! Come on, be a tough guy, you can do it! You don’t need that whole “soul” thing. Life’s better without it. And Putin says he’s only going to invade your country a little bit anyway, so shut it. I’m warning you. Yours, Donald Trump.
To Boris Johnson:
I told you that if you just followed my plans, you’d have Brexit by the end of October and the people would love you, unlike Theresa May. I haven’t seen much about it since, but I’m sure Fox News would tell me if it hadn’t worked, so I’m certain it has. You can thank me by giving me a hug next time I see you. Just don’t expect to hug Melania, Justin’s got dibs on her. Yours, Donald Trump.
To Shinzo Abe:
Hey, Shinny! I heard you guys got a lot of rain recently. The Bahamas got rain too, but you guys didn’t try to send your people over here because of it. I appreciate that. I fast-tracked that trade agreement like you asked, and it had nothing at all to do with me needing a win desperately in the middle of an impeachment investigation. Soooo, I heard you island nations use voodoo and turn people into zombies and stuff. I got some hair off of Pelosi’s chair after she yelled and pointed at me. Any chance I could send it your way and maybe get a doll made? Yours, Donald Trump.
To Angela Merkel:
I don’t know why you won’t return my calls. I told you last time that I was not going to be ignored! Please, please please please. I even found out recently that your country was on our side during World War II and that your soldiers guarded our airports during the Revolutionary War. With a history like that between us, can’t we be friends? That attitude of yours is why you’re stepping down from office! Call me. Yours, Donald Trump.
To Vladimir Putin:
Dearest Vlad, thank you for the promise for Trump Towers Moscow! I have defended Ron Paul and Tulsi Gabbard as you asked, but I don’t really know why. Neither of them likes you as much as I do, I can promise you that. We’re besties. The Middle East and Ukraine prove that. I’m not going to be able to bring you to Doral like I promised, but we both know that I always keep my promises, so I’m going to do the next best thing. At the Camp David G7 summit, I’m going to surprise everyone by bringing you over and giving you the Presidential quarters. I figure I can sleep in Boris’ cabin and Melania can sleep in Justin’s. That way, nothing can go wrong. Yours always and forever, Donald Trump.