The GOP was caught flat-footed this week by the sudden and unexpected betrayal of the Kurds by President Trump. Even Lindsay Graham, who had been recorded by the Russians while presenting himself as an ally to the Turks was stunned by the precipitous change in Trump’s policy. Everyone scrambled to answer the important question…. “How are we going to explain this one to the sycophantic mob?”
Luckily, Attorney General Barr was available to explain to them that honesty wasn’t required for any charges, and after a quick stop at Kavanaugh’s to get some liquid inspiration, the “Kurds as Antifa” line was produced.
Republican party leaders have vowed not to be unprepared for the next backstabbing or chucking under a metaphorical bus. We now present for you a work in progress: the list by the party leadership which seeks to provide a ready excuse for any act of wholesale betrayal.
Senator Ted Cruz : His father didn’t just help kill JFK, he provided the gun used to shoot Ronald Reagan and he sabotaged the navigation on Amelia Aerhart’s plane. (Be prepared to call it “GPS” after Trump starts talking about it.)
Mike Pompeo : Deep State. Secretly Adam Schiff in a fat suit.
Melania Trump : Never really loved her husband, just looking to be wife #3 for a big payout.
Ivanka Trump : Never really loved her dad, just looking to be wife #4 for a big payout.
Mitch McConnell : Pre-1986 video unearthed of him singing state song (“My Old Kentucky Home”) complete with original, racist lyrics.
Sean Hannity : Low ratings. Sure, it makes no sense, but Trump loves it.
Rudy Giuliani : Kisses men in drag.
Rush Limbaugh : Media Deep State, long-term friend of Seth Macfarlane. Plus, you know, the drug addict thing.
Erik Erickson : Who?
Jared Kushner : He’s a neocon. You know, one of those people. The, uh, banker types who works with Hollywood. Oh, just as Rand Paul, he’ll explain it to you.
Donald Trump, Jr. : Not Trump’s real kid. Actually the child of fictional advertising character Joe Isuzu.
Mick Mulvaney : Strong connections to mob-related real estate mogul from New York who was a regular at parties thrown by a convicted sexual abuser of young women. Important: Do not identify mogul!!!
Scott Adams : Running secret child sex slave ring out of comic strip, where “management” is code for “An eight-year-old Canadian girl is to be sent to the corner of Arbor Street and E. Tioga in Philadelphia at 5:34 PM tomorrow”. Children are sent back and forth through tunnels in the basements of syndicated cartoonists.
Laura Ingraham : Accused of giving Nazi salute at GOP Convention. Stephen Miller says the arm wasn’t raised high enough for a proper salute.
Stephen Moore : Deep State. Attempting to talk down the economy by saying, on record, that the stock market has cycles and can’t always go up.
Jim Jordan : Knew about the serial sexual abuse by the team doctor of wrestlers he was coaching. Important: Just in case he was partying with the doctor, do not identify mogul!!!
Ann Coulter : Actually just Sinead O’Connor in a wig.