It was inevitable, in retrospect.
With all of the leaks and revelations which have been presented following the exposure of the whistleblower complaint, it was natural to expect that Trump had not merely pressured the Ukraine, but other countries as well.
Thanks to an inside source named John Bol-, er… actually, let’s just call him “John Lennon” for no reason whatsoever… we at TNB have been provided a Sir List (all “master lists” in the White House have been renamed “sir lists”, as the President has decided that “sir” is the equivalent of “master”) of the… well, they were apparently originally called “demands”, but the word “demands” has been crossed out and “favors” has been written in its place.
Thankfully for us, the black typeface was crossed out using yellow highliter, so the original wording is still clear.
In the sake of journalistic integrity (we at TNB promise this list is just as accurate as anything that Fox News hosts have been reporting about the impeachment inquiry) we now present the requests, and the handwritten notes from President Trump which accompany them, made of various foreign nations by the White House.
Argentina: All information possible about Julian Castro. (From Nikki-wikki, not Born in Mexico. With that name, has to bee from Argentina, which is basicilly South Mexico.)
Atlantis: Need them to pay for Wall with Mexico. Aquaman’s rich, he can afford it. Accorting to Lighthizer, we don’t even have trade deal yet. Obama and Bush are DUMB!
Australia: A new bus, complete with wheels labelled Rick Perry so he can see his name as he’s being thrown under them.
Bahamas: Trump Tower Bahamas, and espionage charges filed against all Democrat opponents who have ever taken a vacation to the vicinity. Which should be All of them, Because thats where Des Moines is and everyone Campaigns there. No refugees!
Canada: 500 Billion dollars to be paid to the Trump Organization via back channels. They’re White, they can afford to pay it.
Cuba: Box of cigars and special teenage “humidor” for Bill Clinton. He deserves Something, he’s Stuck with that thing as his wife. Surprised he Hasn’t Taken me up on the Tiffany swap-out offer.
Finland: Will provide aid and NATO support in exchange for the leader standing beside President Trump in a joint press conference. Going to Be the highlit of His life!
Great Britain: Arrest warrant for Theresa May. Also: Investigation into Elizabeth Warren’s Ilegal use of the Queen’s Engrish.
Italy: An official investigation into Marco Rubio’s ties to organized crime families. Never insult my fingers, Little Marco. Trumps Don’t forget, ever. Then Again, we Rarely Learn aniething in the First place.
Japan: A sweet deal for Trump Tower Tokyo, to be called TTT. Big fan of groops that Use One letter, repeated three Times.
Mexico: Want rape charges filed against Beto O’Rourke. Will provide modified photos from Jeff Epstein bash. Need originals back for scrapbook.
Puerto Rico: Demand that the land be given to the United States as a possession. Miller says that no Brown people are nativ! Who knew?
Saudi Arabia: IMPORTANT: NO DEMANDS. Politely request a signed commemorative bone saw. My favorite Dictater, after Putin and Kim.
Scotland: Need a detailed breakdown of what each and every Scots insult leveled at the President means. Wait, when I was called a Wee Bog-Licking Anal Worm, was that an Insult?
Slovenia: All the nude pictures they retain of the President’s one true love, Donald Trump. Remember to Check for the piss Ones!
