Elizabeth Warren has announced her new health care plan. Luckily for everyone, she has found a way to cover the exorbitant costs without raising taxes on the middle class. Unluckily for everyone, she has yet to explain exactly how her proposed figures work.
The short and simple answer is: they don’t. More accurately, they don’t work until some other, as yet hidden revenue streams are included in the plan. We at TNB have used our finely honed investigative skills to unearth the folder containing some of those streams (actually, the evening cook at the Waffle House passed it along to us.) We are now passing that information along to you.
The waffles, we’re keeping to ourselves. Because waffles.
Without further ado, here are some of the highlights among Elizabeth Warren’s hidden funding sources.
- A $1 Billion state residency transfer fee to all self-declared multi-billionaires, if it is judged that the change in residency is being done solely to avoid having state tax returns vulnerable to a criminal investigation.
- a “Warren Brigade” who will forcibly enter every home and search underneath couch cushions for loose change.
- Confiscation of every second playing piece in the McDonald’s Monopoly games, and legislation requiring cash equivalents be granted instead of prizes.
- A $1,000 early withdrawal fee for all Presidential candidates who end their campaigns prior to the first primary, with a rider penalty of $100 Million for “Punk gun-grabbing table jumpers who never had a chance anyway.”
- National Coupon Doubling Day
- Launching Warren University to teach investors how to make millions in real estate using the business contacts of Elizabeth Warren
- A five cent levy on each usage of the word “the”.
- A wealth tax, placed into effect prior to the health care plan, laying claim to all property over $50K per individual and shifting the “middle class” down to those making $5000/year or less.