Senator Lindsey Graham introduced S.1000000000 (or Senate Bill One Billion) on Friday, the language of which is stark: “All media entities shall be restricted from removing from existing recordings all authorized appearances of political figures.” Graham admits that bypassing the typical method of raising the bill count by one is unusual. He provided an explanation to the Daily Squaller college newspaper:
“I wanted to let the President know that some people continue to have his back during these unfair attacks on him, and that I believe that he really is a billionaire.”
The bill, which is expected to soar through the Senate but may stall in the Democrat-controlled House, is widely seen as a response to the decision by the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation to air a showing of “Home Alone 2” with a cameo by President Trump cut out.
The move outraged the United States’ northern cousins. “Removing President Trump’s cameo completely changed the tone of the movie, taking it from lighthearted Christmas romp to a celebration of pain and violence that Peckinpah and Tarantino could only dream of matching,” one Canadian named only “Ted” wrote to the CBC.
Rush Limbaugh has signaled that he and other Republican talk powerhouses support the bill, despite its apparent assault on First Amendment rights. “Nobody wants something like this to happen. But sometimes the government has to act in the public interest. And, let’s be honest, without something like this no Republican would ever be given a chance to be seen in the left-wing media that comes from Hollywood.” He spoke from his studio at the Excellence In Broadcasting network, with his famed golden microphone at the front and right of his desk and stills from his appearances on Hearts Afire, The Drew Carey Show and Family Guy framed on the left.
Further support for the bill came after white nationalist groups threatened to burn down churches and synagogues if the “butt-hurt snowflakes” in Canada did not immediately start a twenty-four hour marathon of Home Alone 2, complete with Trump cameo. The Canadian government seemed to consider acquiescing to the demand until their Supreme Court ruled that more than three hours of Home Alone 2 would constitute a violation of the Geneva Conventions.
President Trump signaled he would sign the bill when he tweeted his support, saying “My toes are on Fire. Pass the bluberry muffen QANON is real FonrdFodnrfOrnd.”
Penalties for violating the law are to include confiscation of all property if it is in the way of building a casino parking structure, and, if the offender exists in an allied foreign nation, an immediate declaration of war against the country of the offending institution. No punishments are to be enacted against non-allied nations. Confronted by the inequity, Graham explained, “We wish to follow the established protocol of attempting to make friends of our sworn adversaries. There is no need for such mollycoddling of existing allies.” Shortly afterward he added, “Mollycoddling, that’s a hip word for the teens, right?”