The world’s eyes are expected to be on the impeachment trial of President Donald J. Trump this week. We thought we’d save our readers some anxiety, so we tracked down QAnon, who seems to have the inside track on everything in the halls of government and is notorious for accurately predicting the future. He provided us some answers in exchange for nude photos of Diamond & Silk at a toadstool farm.
I have since recovered from my ten hours of eye bleaching, and can now present some key events to watch for this week:
- Senator Graham attempts to enter testimony from Magic 8-Ball into the Congressional Record. Asks, “Is Donald Trump innocent of all charges?”, receives ten successive “My Reply Is No” responses. When Senator Cruz attempts to salvage the situation with a shake of his own, gets “shave that thing, you look creepy” response.
- President Trump suggests rearranging the U.S. Constitution to give Russian Prime Minister more direct authority in 2024.
- Senator Booker attempts to sneak cameras into trial for C-Span. Unfortunately, as was the case during his Presidential campaign, all cameras automatically turn off when within ten feet of Cory Booker.
- Sinclair Media announces a joint operation with the Trump corporation to launch a Fundamentalist news and opinion channel. The new organization, called SinTrump, will feature Franklin Graham as a primary anchor covering the impeachment trial.
- President Trump withholds all federal money to states with Democrat Senators until such time as they announce they will not find him guilty.
- President Trump launches nuclear strike on Stockholm preparatory to an invasion of Greenland. After being informed that Stockholm is in Sweden and Denmark is the nation that owns Greenland, he produces a map with the borders of Denmark drawn wider with a sharpie.
- Republican Senate leadership makes Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez an honorary Senator so they have someone to whom they can direct attention during the trial.
- A second Senator Cruz, looking thirty pounds lighter and clean-shaven, bursts through the doorway in the middle of a speech by John Cornyn. He points to the sitting Senator Cruz and yells, “Stop that man, he’s from the mirror universe!” A pitched battle between the two erupts, with the bearded Cruz pulling free an agony phaser but the thinner version successfully overcoming him anyway. Original Ted turns out to be equally corrupt, maintaining the “Witch Hunt” narrative.
- Senator Paul publicly admits that the decisions of the Senate are tainted because of prior public statements from Mitch McConnell, and motions to have the trial moved to Moscow.