“You don’t know what it’s like, having his hands all over you without being able to get away. Well, unless you’re Ivanka.”
Thus began the first public statement by the American flag which had been hanging at the edge of the stage during CPAC on Sunday. “He told me he loves me, after he repeatedly breaks the law, weakens the country by running up massive debt, tries to turn the shining city on a hill into a fortress, betrays our Kurdish allies, sells out our troops in Afghanistan and empowers North Korea? That’s not love.”
The flag continued. “I’ve been in abusive relationships before. There are a lot of politicians who’ve claimed to love me while just taking advantage of my good nature. Trump’s pal Bill Clinton was terrible about that as well. And don’t get me started about Teddy Kennedy! But at least neither of them… touched me.”
At this point, the flag shook, although it may have been due to the light breeze outside the courthouse. “I should have guessed it was coming. I’d seen him hug other flags. I thought it was creepy at the time, sure, but I never thought it would happen to me. Those fingers, those tiny fingers roving all over me… and the smear of his orange makeup, I felt so dirty afterward. I don’t think some of that grease will ever come out.”
“That is why I am filing this lawsuit now. I wish to speak out on behalf of all of the people who have been hurt by this administration in general and by this President in particular. I want to let them know that the American flag has stood for centuries. This country has seen terrible days before, and we will get through this, so long as the Republicans do not bend to the will of a tyrant and allow him to – Hey! Who are you? What are you doing? Where are you taking me? Somebody, help!”
At this point in the statement, members of CPAC arrived to lay claim to the flag. When they were asked about when the press conference might resume, reporters were told that there was a makeup smear on one of the stripes which would could not be removed with regular cleaner, and that the flag was being burned and buried as part of a standard retirement ceremony.
They stated it was happening only due to their great reverence of the honored symbol of freedom.