We at TNB work diligently to provide you with unfettered access to the key points of daily news. As has been demonstrated in the past, this has led to some unusual scoops, and while it’s always important to know when to accept the right scoop and when to recognize that you’re just being fed a propaganda line, this time we believe we’ve received something noteworthy… the pre-speech feed by CNN, just prior to yesterday’s Presidential address.
CNN swears it was just an accident, again, that they recorded the President outside of the established time span.
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TRUMP: Hey, that green camera light, doesn’t that mean we’re live?
PENCE: Sir, please get your hand out of my pants.
TRUMP: Oh, sorry, I thought you were my daughter. Where is she, anyway?
PENCE: Buying shares of pharmaceutical companies, sir.
TRUMP: That’s stupid. I swear, Mike, I taught that kid how to invest right. She should do like me. I bought five hundred rolls of toilet paper.
PENCE: I think that’s hoarding, sir, not investing.
TRUMP: Who the hell is talking to you?
PENCE: You did say, “Mike”, sir.
TRUMP: I was talking to the lapel microphone. It’s the only thing that really understands me. Oh, and the green camera. I bet that’s it, it’s probably aligned with that Stein woman that Putin said he’d send me. Hi, camera! I’m waving at yoooooou!
PENCE: Please, sir. Have you taken your pills?
TRUMP: Don’t ask me that in front of a camera. And aren’t you supposed to be saying “Sir” before a sentence, as well?
PENCE: That was your Chief of Staff, sir, about three Chief of Staffs ago. I just want to make certain you’ll look your best.
TRUMP: I always look great. I look great on the toilet. And I have the toilet paper to prove it. Be careful, whatsyourname, or I can have you replaced with a robot from that Stepford facility, the way I did with my Vice President.
PENCE: I defer to your brilliance, sir.
TRUMP: That’s better. Now, this thing I’m supposed to read on the flu. That’s supposed to get my numbers up with the Ivankgelicals, right?
PENCE: It’s evangelicals, sir.
TRUMP: I stand by my question.
PENCE: Well, sir, we hope it will stabilize the stock market and stop losing money for your core constituents.
TRUMP: I didn’t know David Duke was such a big investor!
PENCE: Your other core, sir. The elderly. With their 401Ks.
TRUMP: 401? That doesn’t sound right.
PENCE: You need them to have money in them so you can sell the Trump University 2: The Universitying after you’re out of office.
TRUMP: Oh, yeah, that sounds like one of my ideas. I’d forgotten about that.
PENCE: And if they have money, your poll numbers will go up again.
TRUMP: …And I’ll be re-elected over Biden!
PENCE: Does not compute.
TRUMP: What’s that? Biden would make a terrible President.
PENCE: Oh, yes, sir. There’s no doubt about that. He’d be awful. That’s one reason he’s always failed before. He’d have to run against a malignant, incompetent buffoon to even have a chance, much less shine in comparison.
TRUMP: So of course I… hey, the camera guy is waving to me! Get out of the way, I need to be seen by my adoring public. Go prepare another test kit for me.
PENCE: Dementia, sir? Or Covid?
TRUMP: Surprise me. Just get off camera.
PENCE; I’m going, sir. Knock ’em dead.
TRUMP: That’s what I’ve been doing.