Political Humor – News From The Future

Rumors were plentiful that Donald Trump didn’t expect to win the Presidency, and that his run was merely an attempt to gain publicity for a new Trump news channel using former Fox hosts. The rise of One Russia – sorry, One America Network has since shown that a market exists for a Trumpian model of reporting. It has been assumed that the growth of places like OAN and Times have undermined Trump’s intent to form his own network upon leaving office, but the recent discovery of an article dated 5/15/21 – possibly written with the intent to have it go live on that date, possibly written in the future and sent back to us via tachyon pulse – has reignited the speculation.

I leave it to the reader to decide. Here is the article in question;

Accusations have been flying that Trump refused to take the novel coronavirus seriously as the pandemic grew in this country. This is far from the truth. In an effort to demonstrate Great Leader’s – er, President Trump’s – aggressive response to the threat, we have compiled a list of some of the actions he was taking in January and February of 2020 to combat the virus and, through them, will rebut the scurrilous lies about our national messiah.

First, his golfing. Much has been made of his repeated golf outings during the first months of the year. What his detractors refuse to say is that on each of those trips, President Trump (may his glory live forever) was personally striking down virus cell after virus cell with mighty swings from his club. Every stroke was aimed not at the ball but at a coronavirus, which anyone objective will realize when they see he averaged a 141 for 18 holes.

Next, the ventilators. It’s hard to take people seriously when they claim he was not one of the first people in the country to realize the ventilator threat, not when he was personally promising every supplicant who visited him at Mar-a-Lago a block of exactly 100 ventilators after they kissed his ring. (It is not the President’s fault that Governor DeWine was unable to find a gloriously immense ring finger among the divine Trump corpulence.) Again, the Satanic NeverTrumpers and Democrats do nothing but complain.

Then, the parties. Far from being frivolous experiences designed to lure donors and facilitate kickbacks, they were attempts by the President to remind people of how much fun they could have while in a single room for hours on end. He did this to provide an example, recognizing the likely need for a level of self-quarantine for much of the country.

Many have complained about his refusal to ramp up testing, and his administrations’ initial insistence on using only one test type that had been distributed by a group with fiscal ties to his son-in-law. These people are reaching to find corruption that simply doesn’t exist, and has never existed in any Trump-related project. In reality, President Trump empathized deeply with the American people, recognizing how many of them hated taking tests. In an effort to stem their possible psychological trauma (three words which President Trump can spell, by the way), the President carefully took action to minimize how many tests Americans would be forced to take.

While some continue to insist the President’s corruption has been manifest, we direct you to our January 19th story about the mass suicides of all surviving plaintiffs in the Trump University lawsuit, and the obvious ties to the Clinton Kill Squad. We ask that our readers continue to remind people that Trump University Plantiffs didn’t kill themselves.

Thank you for watching and reading Trump Information Transmission Service, the channel that our only real President says “reminds him of Ivanka every time he sees it.’

About the opinions in this article…

Any opinions expressed in this article are the opinions of the author and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of this website or of the other authors/contributors who write for it.

About AlienMotives 1580 Articles
Ex-Navy Reactor Operator turned bookseller. Father of an amazing girl and husband to an amazing wife. Tired of willful political blindness, but never tired of politics. Hopeful for the future.