President Trump has received considerable attention for his decision to restart his rallies at the site of the most prominent massacre of American blacks. Original plans to hold the first one at Auschwitz or outdoors in a Cambodian field were eventually scrapped in favor of keeping it on domestic soil. After Wounded Knee, South Dakota was taken off the table for fear medical support might have to be given to local native Americans, Tulsa was the obvious remaining choice.
Contrary to allegations, the original date of June 19th was selected without knowledge or consideration of the “Juneteenth” holiday, but rather in honor of Ayman al-Zawahiri’s birthday. Unfortunately, changing the date inspired Trump’s honored Taliban guests to reject their invitations.
Despite the shaky start, the President’s press team is back to work and has diligently provided a transcript of the expected speech to news and opinion agencies, including that of The News Blender. We present to you some of the propositions and assertions that President Trump is expected to say at tonight’s rally:
- The coronavirus threat is over. As predicted, the summer months are bringing an abrupt halt to covid-19. President Trump is announcing a new federal mandate that no further testing be provided, and logically without testing there can be no more positive test results. It is expected that there will be attempted pushback on this front, but he is asking his supporters to stay strong in defense of basic reason and science.
- He is beginning the “Roads Must Roll” initiative. This new program, completely original to Trump and not inspired by any Heinlein guy that one of his speechwriters may have mentioned, will require all inclines of greater than 2 degrees be motorized. At a negligible cost, dangerous and slippery ramps will soon be a thing of the past.
- Ten minutes of the speech will be devoted to what is described as “an entirely fictional story about how the entire world would adore any person who happened to murder a SDNY Attorney and burn the building where all of the records are kept.”
- President Trump will present the “Confederate Compromise”, whereby all Confederate statues, in an effort to appeal to modern sensibilities, will be painted with blackface to show “solidarity with those people.”
- The President will defend himself against charges by John Bolton of being subordinate and weak against China. The pull quote from the speech on this topic is “I never gave Ivanka to Xi, only Putin. So how could I be weak against Xi?”
- The “Q” in “QAnon” will be revealed to stand for “Quisling”. The winner of the contest, selected at random from all correct entries, will be given a tour of the White House underground bunker and a leather chair that President Trump personally soiled during the May 29 protests.
- President Trump will challenge former Vice President Joe Biden to a wrestling match with Jim Jordan.
- Allegations of racial bias will be conclusively disproven through a slideshow of President Trump at one of Jeffrey Epstein’s parties, where the images clearly show he chose a teenage Hispanic girl despite white options being available nearby.
- Following the video presentation, the President will pledge to ensure that any followers who die as a result of attending can be assured their deaths were not in vain, as their infected bodies will be sent through grinders and dropped on invading Mexicans camped at our borders.
- A woman who was removed from line for peacefully praying while being against Donald Trump will be denounced for rejecting the one true God. Chants of “WWDD” will be encouraged from the audience.
- The rally is expected to end with Dr. Fauci being placed into a large wicker man, which will then be set afire.