In a startling move announced this morning, President Trump has filed paperwork with the U.S. court system to legally change his name to Donald John BlackLivesMatter.
The paperwork was filled out by the morning Chief of Staff and given to Ginny Thomas, who was sleeping in the Lincoln Bedroom, for delivery to Justice Clarence Thomas. “I’m all about the efficiency, great effica, effinci, greatest in the world,” President Trump-to-be-BLM told reporters before firing his Chief of Staff for furthering the perception that the President can’t read or write.
All Trump properties and products will be immediately rebranded Black Lives Matter.
He explained his decision.
“I look out, I see Black Lives Matter everywhere, and I want to show I want the money from T-shirt sales,” he said. “Besides, all these protesters love Black Lives Matter now, and the cops still love me because I’m a law and order guy, great law and order, love talking about shooting people – my sons actually shot and stuffed a black guy when on safari in Africa, did you know that? Not racist. Not racist at all… they shot and stuffed two white guys and a twelve-year-old white girl, too… but great, greatness. I humped a flag.”
As it became apparent that the President was starting to ramble, Melania cleared her throat. He looked up, mumbled something like “Putin, remember Putin,” and continued.
President Trump-to-be-BLM returned to his original topic. “I want everyone to look at Black Lives Matter and immediately think of me,” he said. “Let’s keep ourselves focused on what’s important. Hell, this way I even get a street named after me in Washington, D.C.”
“I’m aware of some of the problems. In solidarity with the photojournalist who lost her left eye and the old man who was pushed to the concrete and bled out of his ear, I’ve instructed staffers to concuss the photojournalist and partially blind the old man. We must be a country of equality.
“The important thing is that both cops and protesters love me now. That means that my poll numbers immediately go into the 80 percents, which is even higher than 90 percents, Mnuchin told me that after telling me about our 13.3% unemployment rate. Sleepy Joe Biden needs to just…”
The President stopped talking, reached for his phone, and typed out a tweet that Joe Biden was giving up on the race due to overwhelmingly bad poll numbers. “Had to do that,” he explained. “I can’t trust you fake news people.” He followed it with a tweet denigrating Sean Hannity’s ex-wife and accusing her of sleeping in gutters. As he started on a third tweet about Roger Stone’s infallibility and superior moral character, he realized reporters were still present. “You can go now,” he told them.
A pungent odor filled the air, and the President explained as the press left. “I usually tweet when on the toilet. You figure it out, you reporters are supposed to be so smart.”