Political Humor – The Loser List

Mark Levin speaking at the 2018 Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC). Photo by Gage Skidmore.

Because of all of the attention afforded President Trump yesterday due to his classification of American war dead as “losers”, we at TNB decided to contact one of his staunchest defenders, Mark Levin, for comment. Levin’s adoration of the American military is famous, and has been demonstrated by his regular play of the official songs of all armed service branches.

At first, he refused to speak with us, despite our dedication to the same principles he promoted for decades. He claimed that we had always been Democrats and had just hidden behind a “Never Trump” banner before launching into an invective-laden tirade. Thirty minutes later we tried again, this time presenting ourselves as representatives of Alex Jones, QAnon and the Russian government; this time, he was happy to give us as much time as we requested.

We were then allowed to ask our question: what did he think about President Trump’s “losers” comment? He was quick to explain.

“The problem is the liberal media wants to pretend this is all something new. Trump isn’t just a god among men… he is actually God. Every Friday night I call him to see if it’s time to dump my second wife yet. It’s the only way to properly follow in his footsteps.”

“In that context, it becomes clear why he said what he did… compared to him, the people in those graves are losers. Not to you or me or the rest of normal humanity; to us, they’re heroes. They’re the people who fought and died for liberty and freedom throughout the world. But to Trump? They’re lesser beings. So I don’t think it’s remotely fair to criticize him on this topic. Actually, I think heretics should be forced to recant their views by holding their feet… to… a… fire.” Here, Levin trailed off, as if recognizing some sort of verbal gaffe.

He recovered, and continued. “I spoke with the White House today, in anticipation of this very issue arising. They were kind enough to give me a list of many other people and organizations Trump considers losers. And he’s right on every single one of them.”

Here are some excerpts from that list, and the reasons behind their inclusion.

Michael Jordan: “Fingers too big. He’s a freak. Nobody trusts a person with big fingers, nobody. My fingers are huge, though.”

Ronald Reagan: “Shared credit with the Pope and that British woman, whatshername, David Cameron. If he’d ever really done anything he wouldn’t have to share. Terrible President. Terrible.”

Captain “Sully” Sullenberger: “Couldn’t even keep a plane in the air. How hard is that? I’ve been in planes all my life and I’ve never crashed once.”

Merv Griffin: “Total loser. I mean, the biggest loser of all. Bastard sued me, back in the 80s. Said I ripped him off. But I beat him. He got some hotels he turned into more than a billion dollars but I got the prize, the Taj Mahal. L-O-S-O-R. Biggest.”

Abraham Lincoln: “Who goes to plays? And he was only married once, what’s with that? I heard those Bill and Ted guys like him, but they’re kinda slackers, you know? I don’t trust them.”

Jay-Z: “He owns all this stuff, so he’s doing okay, all right? But he doesn’t know how to brand. His last name is a letter, I mean he was actually born with the last name Z. That’s branding gold. He could take advantage of that, but he has no concept of business. Loser. Not a total loser, but not a winner.”

Dr. Anthony Fauci: “That guy pisses me off. He’s a lousy doctor. He knows I didn’t mean putting any special light up your ass to get rid of COVID. That’s stupid. I was talking about injecting the light into your veins, like, with a syringe. Just put the light in the air and shoot the air into your blood. Poof, fixed. Melania’s already offered to do it for me if I come down with anything.”

After providing us with these examples, among others, Levin cordially walked us out of his bunker and went back to recording himself nude for Jerry Falwell, Jr.

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About AlienMotives 1686 Articles
Ex-Navy Reactor Operator turned bookseller. Father of an amazing girl and husband to an amazing wife. Tired of willful political blindness, but never tired of politics. Hopeful for the future.