TNB Night Owl — Snark Attack! Brandon Fellows Maybe Shouldn’t Represent Himself

12 October Carp Tail (second version) Photo by Howard J.

Now, let’s be clear for a moment: we’re talking about Brandon Fellows Jan 6th insurrectionist, not Brian Fellow of SNL sketch fame. This is the latter:

Brandon Fellows the insurrectionist is a comedian in his own right, just (hopefully, anyway) unintentionally so, which is why he’s being featured tonight, for our snarking pleasure.

If you’re not familiar with which insurrectionist Fellows is (after all, over 800 have been charged thus far), he’s the dude who wore a fake beard made of orange yarn to the insurrection while he smoked a doobie in Oregon Sen. Jeff Merkley’s office. He’s also the dude, who while out on bond, attempted to intimidate his supervising probation officer by calling her mother at her home. And last October, Fellows admitted in court that he’d Googled about a “loophole” he used in a different court case, where he listed the judge’s wife’s phone number as his own contact number in court records, making it appear that he knew her.

There’s so much comedy gold right there, and we’re just getting started!

On Tuesday, Fellows appeared before the judge for his first full hearing as his own counsel to argue his bond status should be reconsidered. When McFadden denied his request to call his former public defender, Cara Halverson, as a witness, Fellows instead described a conversation he said he recorded with her about a “loophole” he’d found that could get McFadden removed from the case.

Fellows said he asked Halverson if he should contact McFadden’s family as a means of disqualifying him from presiding over his case. He also said he had told Halverson – to her horror – about a previous occasion in which he’d intentionally put the phone number of another judge’s wife as his emergency contact in order to get a new judge. In that case, the judge was replaced with another.

Fellows said Halverson told him that was illegal, and if that he tried to do that with McFadden he would wind up in jail on even more serious charges.

“When I’m worried, I don’t make the most understandable decisions,” Fellows told McFadden later in explanation.

Capitol Rioter Fellows Admits to Obstruction in Hearing, Oct .13, 2021

You don’t say?

“I didn’t care if it shows that I technically committed perjury or obstruction even though that could hurt my image or result in punishments,” Fellows wrote. “This life is temporary and I fear the ultimate Judge.”

Capitol Riot Suspect Who Represented Himself Compares Himself to Jesus

Maybe you should spend a wee bit of time fearing Judge McFadden’s wrath. There’s plenty of time to worry about the Big Guy’s wrath later.

He went on to compare himself to Jesus.

“The Pharisees hated Jesus, they accused him of causing a spiritual insurrection among their people, disgracing the temples and their God,” Fellows wrote. “The prosecution accuses me of being part of a physical insurrection, disgracing the ‘temple of democracy’ and disgracing their gods Joe Biden and the Democratic Party.”

Capitol Riot Suspect Who Represented Himself Compares Himself to Jesus

I’ve known Jesus. I’ve worked with Jesus. Jesus is a friend of mine. And you, Brandon, are no Jesus.

On Wednesday, Halverson filed a motion to withdraw as standby counsel for Fellows, citing his ongoing criticism of her work. In one filing, Fellows accused her of being “the Helen Keller of making assumptions.”

“Perhaps like the Pharisees she is only blind and deaf to the truth,” he wrote. Fellows also said Halverson was “terrified” to come to see him in jail because he is unvaccinated against COVID-19 and she has a young child.

Capitol Riot Suspect Who Represented Himself Compares Himself to Jesus

Yeah, how dare she want to protect her kid from getting your Covid cooties, dude.

In December, in an “Introduction to Response” filing, Fellows suggested the judge “has fallen victim to being fooled by the well trained cunning and mendacious tactics of the prosecution.” (Trust me, you really, really, really want to click that link. You have to see that statement in its native, hand-written habitat.) And, seriously, dude, judges never like being told they’re on the dumb side.

In the same filing, he mentions a “candy transaction” gone wrong. (Don’t ask me to explain what that means, because I’m at a loss here.)

Then he cries to the Russian Foreign Ministry and Valdimir Putin about how he and his fellow insurrectionists are being treated by the Biden administration. Why does it always come down to Russia with these people?

And in his latest filing, he’s compared his current plight to that of his black brothers.

Because, you know, being jailed for insurrection is exactly like being a slave, y’all. Oh, and Brandon actually says he and his insurrectionist pals have it even worse than MLK and his fellow protesters, because at least they got to get their hair cut while in jail.

Oh, and then he proceeds to lecture the judge about the Constitution. Because what judge doesn’t love being lectured to about the Constitution by a guy who didn’t even graduate college? (I don’t know that for sure, I’m just going by the evidence at hand regarding his basic literacy.)

So there’s one crazy coconut from the MAGA jungle. Feel free to add your own snarky comments, or talk about anything you like. After all, this is an OPEN THREAD! Stay snarky, my Blender peeps!

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