Credit where it’s due: I stole “LOLsuit” from Popehat. My thanks, Mr. Hat…
Sometimes y’all make it hard for a snarky gal to come up with something fresh to snark about; darn you and your snarking in the comments! (j/k) But that’s okay, this lawsuit filing is 108 pages of snarkable goodness. Yes, 108 pages.
This lawsuit seems ill-advised. It’s bad enough Trump has spent months litigating and relitigating the 2020 election that he bigly lost. Now he’s litigating the 2016 election, too? For a guy who prides himself on being seen as a winner, this kinda seems like a loser move to me. And is it really a good idea to spend the next two years constantly reminding voters what a loser you’ve been?
The laughs begin on the cover sheet, where all the defendants are listed. It’s as if Trump is suing half the country here. But the funniest part is this:
JOHN DOES 1 THROUGH 10 (said names being fictious and unknown persons), and ABC CORPORATIONS 1 THROUGH 10 (said names being fictitious and unknown entities)
Donald Trump v. Hillary Clinton, page 1
I’m not gonna lie, friends. I horse-laughed for five minutes over this. Maybe I’m just easily amused…
Not sure how you serve fictional and unknown persons and entities. But the other funny there is they’re both “fictious” and “fictitious.” Nothing says “competent filing” like spelling a word two different ways in the same paragraph. And those misspellings happen throughout the entire document. Copy-pasting genius at work, guys!
1. In the run-up to the 2016 Presidential Election, Hillary Clinton and her cohorts orchestrated an unthinkable plot – one that shocks the conscience and is an affront to this nation’s democracy. Acting in concert, the Defendants maliciously conspired to weave a false narrative that their Republican opponent, Donald J. Trump, was colluding with a hostile foreign sovereignty. The actions taken in furtherance of their scheme—falsifying evidence, deceiving law enforcement, and exploiting access to highly-sensitive data sources – are so outrageous, subversive and incendiary that even the events of Watergate pale in comparison.
Donald Trump v. Hillary Clinton, page 2
Why am I hearing that “In a world” movie announcer’s voice in my head right now? This reads like bad fiction. Or Trump’s over-the-top tweets. Or both…
Also, in some of those Kraken lawsuits, didn’t folks like Sidney Powell argue that over-the-top political rhetoric that was, you know, kinda lying, was totally fine and protected speech? But in this lawsuit, they’re apparently arguing it’s a criminal act. Okay, then…
Oh, and they admit here that Russia is a “hostile foreign sovereignty.” It’s funny how that changed after the 2016 election…
2. Under the guise of ‘opposition research,’ ‘data analytics,’ and other political stratagems, the Defendants nefariously sought to sway the public’s trust. They worked together with a single, self-serving purpose: to vilify Donald J. Trump. Indeed, their far-reaching conspiracy was designed to cripple Trump’s bid for presidency by fabricating a scandal that would be used to trigger an unfounded federal investigation and ignite a media frenzy.
Donald Trump’s LOLSuit against Hillary, page 2
He’s literally attacking the way campaigns have always been done in the modern era. Also, um… correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t Trump work in concert with the guy who owned the National Enquirer to have that rag print false stories about Trump’s republican opponents? (Remember Ted Cruz’s 500 mistresses? Okay, I might’ve inflated that number for effect. But him just having one is pretty preposterous…) How is that any different? Oh, sorry. It’s different when a democrat does it. My bad…
4. Marc Elias, in his mission to obtain derogatory anti-Trump ‘opposition research,’ commissioned Fusion GPS, an investigative firm, and its co-founders, Peter Fritsch and Glenn Simpson, and directed them to dredge up evidence—actual or otherwise—of collusion between Trump and Russia.
Trump’s attorneys are incompetent, page 3
Record scratch, WUT? Did Trump’s attorneys just concede there was evidence of actual collusion between him and Russia? Then why are we here? What are we doing? Where’s the crime? Where’s the witch hunt?
Oh, and, just a point of fact. Glenn Simpson’s Fusion GPS was first hired by the Free Beacon to dig up opposition research on Trump. Simpson found then that Trump had some interesting Russia ties going back to the 1980s that should be looked into. So maybe Trump should add the owners/editors of the Free Beacon to his lawsuit? (hat tip to Tiff for digging up the link for me. You’re the best!)
6. While their multi-pronged attack was underway, the Defendants seized on the opportunity to publicly malign Donald J. Trump by instigating a full-blown media frenzy. Indeed, the Clinton Campaign and DNC—admittedly on a “mission” to “raise the alarm” about their contrived Trump-Russia link—repeatedly fed disinformation to the media and shamelessly promoted their false narratives.
The “It’s totally different when democrats do this” lawsuit, page 4
Um… like Trump & Co. (*cough* Roger Ratfucker Stone *cough*) “repeatedly fed disinformation to the media and shamelessly promoted their false narratives”?
I keep saying without double standards, Trump and the GQP would have no standards at all…
Oh, and for the record, there was an actual Trump-Russia link that we have solid evidence of: the Trump Tower meeting between a representative of the Russian government and Don Jr, in which she was going to give them dirt on Hillary. Or so Trump & Co. thought.
Bottom line: there was every reason to investigate what nefarious ties Trump might’ve had to Russia. But what do I know? I’m just a lady who writes articles where I point and snark at other people…
The effects of this unfounded investigation were prolonged and exacerbated by the presence of a small faction of Clinton loyalists who were well-positioned within the Department of Justice and the FBI – James Comey, Andrew McCabe, Peter Strzok, Lisa Page, Kevin Clinesmith, and Bruce Ohr. These government officials were willing to abuse their positions of public trust to advance the baseless probe to new levels, including obtaining an extrajudicial FISA warrant and instigating the commencement of an oversight investigation headed by Special Counsel Robert Mueller. As a result, Donald J. Trump and his campaign were forced to expend tens of millions of dollars in legal fees to defend against these contrived and unwarranted proceedings. Justice would ultimately prevail – following a two-year investigation, Special Counsel Mueller went on to exonerate Donald J. Trump and his campaign with his finding that there was no evidence of collusion with Russia.
That’s not what Mueller’s report said, page 5
You maybe shouldn’t make claims that are demonstrably untrue in your lawsuit, like that the Mueller investigation totally exonerated Trump and that there was no evidence of collusion with Russia. This is the kind of allegation that gets your lawsuit thrown out before it ever goes to trial…
But, again, what do I know? Nobody pays me the big bucks to file baseless lawsuits…
I also like the part about how Trump and his campaign were “forced to expend tens of millions of dollars in legal fees to defend against these contrived and unwarranted proceedings.” As if a single dime in legal fees has come out of Trump’s pocket. He’s either stuck the rubes who donate to his scampaign or the RNC for the bills, or just stiffed his attorneys. So, um… yeah.
toe-MAY-toe, toe-MAH-toe, right?
We’ve already been here a while. Heck, we could be here until next week’s column and then some, so let me just share one last gem with you:
296. The RICO Defendants, through and using the Enterprise, engaged in, and continues to engage in, a coordinated effort to destroy the Plaintiff’s political career and impede his ability to effectively govern as President of the United States. [emphasis mine]
Um, what? lawsuit, page 66
Did they just say Trump is still president? Because that’s what it looks like to me. It’s no wonder they still won’t admit Biden won a free and fair election…
Okay, guys. This is an open thread, so feel free to talk about anything you like in the comments. Add your own snark about the lolsuit, tell us about your pet geranium, what you had for dinner, or whatever you like. Take care, and stay snarky, my Blender peeps!