This is the video we’re going to hold up for ridicule today, the one he released the day before the sexcapade video dropped. The one where he tried to get out ahead of this scandal, without seeming like he was trying to get out ahead of a really bad story that was about to break.
This is some funny shit.
As I do with the long-form snark, I’ll intersperse my comments between transcriptions of his video statement. Enjoy!
Cawthorn: Hey, everyone. Madison Cawthorn here.
Me: [on the screen in large letters it says: Madison Cawthorn.] No shit, Sherlock.
Cawthorn: Now, I’m sure many of you have seen some outlandish stuff the media’s been putting out about me over the last few weeks.
Me: The media, your Russian handlers, fellow republicans who are tired of your shit. The possibilities are practically endless of who could be behind this.
Cawthorn: I’ve really never seen the swamp launch such a coordinated attack against any individual in politics, except for Donald Trump.
Me: Clearly you haven’t seen much in your 26 years of life.
Cawthorn: And, even though we know the “fake news”–
Cawthorn: –lies about fighters [sounds like he says “fires”] in Congress, like me, [while he’s saying this, there’s an image of a cell phone with Dr. Fauci’s image showing] I’m sure that many of you still have questions that are reasonable, you know, like “Why are they attacking me? Do any of the allegations have merit? How do you explain some of it?” Now, the normal political doctrine is to ride out the storm. Advisors have told me, “Madison, you have such a large lead in the polls–
Me: Bwahahahahahahahaaaaaaa! Sure, Jan. You sure do!
Cawthorn: –you’re the incumbent.
Me: The guy who thought dumping your original constituents and trading up to NC’s new district covering the Charlotte area was a good idea, until it became obvious you didn’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of winning there.
Cawthorn: Don’t worry about this kind of stuff.
Me: Yeah, there’s so much bigger stuff to sweat, like the nude sex tape that’s gonna drop tomorrow…
Cawthorn: But I was elected exactly for the reason that I fight back. I won’t just roll over and bend the knee.
Me: But I will shove my penis into a friend’s face as a “joke.”
Cawthorn: I don’t want to waste my time fighting the “fake news” media–
Me: Drink! Okay, seriously, we’re literally 44 seconds into a 7:42 video. We’re gonna have to pace ourselves here.
Cawthorn: –and every single narrative they put out. But I feel that I am honor-bound–
Me: ROTFLMAO! Yeah, I’m kinda not able to put your name together with the concept of honor-bound without guffawing here. My bad.
Cawthorn: –to dispel some of their lies. I’m going to do it quickly, point-by-point.
Me: Not sure seven more minutes of this qualifies as “quickly,” but okay…
Cawthorn: Here we go! Uh, first article we have up is from the Washington Post. Now, this is an article that is alleging in, really, it’s spreading a lie, that an ex-staffer told about me, and was recorded coordinating with a democratic super PAC that I have closed congressional offices. Nothing could be further from the truth!
Me: I’m just gonna leave this link right here. You’re gonna want to read it all. I especially liked the part where Michele Woodhouse, the America First candidate Cawthorn hand-selected to run in his stead when he decided to chase after the greener pastures of District 14, refused to bow out once Cawthorn decided to go back to his old district, became his worst enemy, and started referring to him as the “Instagram, broken-promises politician.”
That’s gotta smart! Oh, and the article confirms that he’s closed three out of four congressional offices in his Western NC district…
Cawthorn: We have as many offices as possible with our congressional budget.
Me: So you’re given a much smaller congressional budget to keep offices open? Or you’re spending way too much on your office space and staff? Or maybe you’re just, uh, I don’t know. What’s the word I’m looking for here? Oh, right. LYING?
Cawthorn: We have, we were really the first freshman to have all five offices up and running on Day One.
[Video clip of newscast.] Announcer: In just days US congressman-elect Madison Cawthorn will get sworn in as the youngest serving representative in the nation. He’ll also move into a newly renovated office of his hometown of Hendersonville.
Me: None of that proves you haven’t been closing congressional offices, fuckwit.
Cawthorn: So far we solved over 1,800 cases.
Me: What? What the hell is he talking about? Was this a bad edit that left something important on the cutting room floor? Did he just suffer a mental breakdown? What the hell?
Cawthorn: We’ve answered over 11,000 constituent inquiries. And passed three pieces of legislation–
Me: When I looked up his record, this is what I found. So according to ProPublica, nothing he’s sponsored has passed. Shocker, right? Now, maybe my Google-fu skills don’t match Tiff’s and I’m under an extreme time crunch this morning, so don’t have the time to do a deep dive. But, yeah… not finding anything to support his claim.
Cawthorn: –in the minority, and, really, that’s unheard of in the House.
Me: For the record, one of the pieces of legislation he sponsored with bipartisan support was to rename the Asheville Post Office. Yeah, this is really important stuff!
Cawthorn: Here’s one from Politico, let me look for it, oh yeah! Here’s one from Politico, and, now, the headline reads, “Rep. Madison Cawthorn, exclusive photos!” Then, this article is pushing a ludicrous narrative that I’m some kind of drag queen on the side–
Me: Not that there’s anything wrong with that, Maddie. You can come out of your closet. We’re not gonna hold that against you. (Especially since there’s so many more worthwhile things to hold against you.) Let’s see how he spins this one, shall we?
Cawthorn: –aside from being a congressman.
Me: Who says you can’t do both?
Cawthorn: And, really, this is just poor journalism.
Me: ROTFLMAO! Yeah, having exclusive photos of one of those “family values” republicans dressed in drag is “poor journalism,” y’all.
Cawthorn: I’m not surprised; it is Politico, after all. Not exactly the same journalistic standards as–
Me: He’s gonna say “Fox,” isn’t he?
Cawthorn: Fox or Newsmax.
Cawthorn: And, really, with about five minutes of investigation, they could’ve found that this was taken well before I was in Congress. And even before I was running for Congress. But ask yourself this, “Have you ever taken a dumb photo on vacation?” Most people have.
Me: Yes. I was wearing a chicken hat at Octoberfest in Cincinnati. What does that have to do with you wearing women’s lingerie in public? I also once fondled a pirate statue. But this isn’t about me…
Oh, and notice what he didn’t say in all that denial? He never said he wasn’t into wearing ladies’ lingerie. He only said the story was ludicrous.
Cawthorn: The media thinks that playing a goofy game on a cruise ship with my friends and family means that I can’t serve in Congress. That is garbage!
Me: Nobody said you should be removed from Congress for this. But maybe your constituents should know how you live up to the “family values” you espouse and would like to impose on others?
Cawthorn: My mother was literally in that crowd, and if you think I’d do something inappropriate in front of my mom–
Me: I’m sure your mom loves you, regardless, Maddie. Really!
Cawthorn: –you clearly don’t know what a Southern mom is like. And, honestly, I was told I look pretty good in these pictures, and I think there should be some bipartisan agreement on that.
Me: Um… I don’t think bragging about how good you look in ladies’ lingerie is helping your case, Maddie.
Cawthorn: Uh, now next we’ve got one from ABC News 13 and the headline reads, “Group Accuses Rep. Cawthorn of Misconduct.”
Me: For the record, this is the article he’s referring to. Let’s see how he responds.
Cawthorn: I love how they say a “group” [Yes, he did the air quotes.] is making this accusation, as if there’s some form of a benevolent organization just watching out for the good of Man, because they’re such good, stand-up people.
Me: So he’s attacking the “group” called “Fire Madison Cawthorn,” which has raised some pretty serious accusations of breaches of House rules. When you don’t have the facts on your side, yell louder.
Cawthorn: Now, it fails to mention that the group’s name is literally the Fire Madison Cawthorn political action committee.
Me: He’s right. It doesn’t mention the “political action committee” part, but I fail to see the relevance of that. But it does mention the name of the group is “Fire Madison Cawthorn.” They’re pretty up front about it, in fact.
Cawthorn: So, of course, with a name like that, their attacks are obviously not politically motivated, of course not! But, of course, the publication fails to make that clear.
Me: Yes, they do. Here’s the thing about all this “evidence” he’s offering up: nowhere does he give you a complete citation (like source, full title of the article, and date), and at no time does he read anything from the articles to support his claims. He just mentions them and attacks them. Not terribly compelling, if his attempt is to clear his name. The ABC 13 article is quite specific about the charges “Fire Madison Cawthorn” would like investigated. Does he refute any of them? Why not?
Since it’s about nine minutes before post time, I’m gonna wrap up now. You get the idea, though. Maddie’s attempts to clear his good name fall pretty flat, and, again, this is before the sex tape. Oh, btw, that covered the first 3:12 of a 7:42 video. So feel free to watch the rest and share your thoughts with the other commenters.
As always, this is an open thread, so talk about anything you like.
Finally: tomorrow’s noir film is “No Man of Her Own,” starring Barbara Stanwyck, based on the Cornell Woolrich novel, “I Married a Dead Man.” You can purchase the novel on Amazon and read it tonight and discuss, or watch the film on TCM tonight around midnight or tomorrow morning at 10 eastern. If the film’s anything like the book (which I read a few days ago) we’re all in for a real treat!