Snark Attack Presents Melania Trump

12 October Carp Tail (second version) Photo by Howard J.

So apparently last weekend, Melania gave her first sit-down interview with Fox and Fiends. I wasn’t able to transcribe the whole thing this morning (having only discovered it around 10 AM), but I have nearly 7 minutes of the less than 9 minutes the interview runs. So strap yourselves down and let’s begin.

You can watch the interview here:

(Video clip from Jan 20th, 2021) Melania: Being your First Lady was my greatest honor.

Me: Not hard, since before the White House, her greatest honor was winning the coveted “Best New Actress in a Softcore Porn Feature.”

(The video clip continues) Melania: Thank you for your love and your support.

Interviewer: Melania Trump, thank you so much for joining us on Fox and Friends.

Melania: Thank you for having me.

Interviewer: I think this is your first sit-down interview since being in the White House, is that right?

Me: As opposed to her first lying on her back, spreadeagle interview?

Melania: It is. It is my first sit-down, yes.

Interviewer: How is life, um, you know, since leaving the White House?

Me: I don’t really care, do u?

Melania: Life is great. And, um, keeping it busy.

Me: Those softcore porn shoots don’t film themselves, you know? There’s a lot of work to those, behind the scenes.

Melania: And, um, you know, time flies fast, and, uh, we are just, everybody’s doing very well.

Me: I don’t know about you, but this scintillating conversation is giving me chills!

Interviewer: We’re here in beautiful Florida, what are your real thoughts on Washington DC. I mean, your husband called it a swamp.

(Video Clip of Trump yammering) Trump: It is time to drain the swamp.

Interviewer: What do you think of it?

Melania: I like Washington DC. I know it operates completely different than any other city, but, uh, I really like it there, and, um, I enjoyed living in the White House. To be First Lady of the United States–

Me: Please don’t remind us…

Melania: –was my greatest honor.

Me: The Melania-tron 2000 seems to be stuck…

Melania: I think we achieved a lot in the four years of Trump administration. I, uh, enjoyed taking care of the White House. It was, um, my home for a while. I undestood it, uh, it is People’s House. It was, um, it was a privilege to leeve there.

Me: Good grief, I’m already bored. I understand English isn’t her first language, but the ideas she expresses sound like she’s 6.

Interviewer: And maybe it’ll be your home again?

Me: Shut your face! Just shut it right now!

Mel: Um, I. Never say never.

Interviewer: (chuckling) Never say never. Being out of DC and having that time, what do you make of the state of the country right now?

Me: This is a highly inappropriate and partisan question to be asking a former First Lady, but not surprising, coming from Faux News.

Melania: I think it’s sad to see what’s going on. If you really look deeply into it, I think a lot of people are struggling and suffering. And, what is going on around the world, as well. So, uh, it’s very sad to see. And I hope it changes fast.

Interviewer: It’s been in the news, as, as someone who loves children and has dedicated so much to their betterment–

Me: (rolls eyes)

Interviewer: –how do you feel when you see shortage of baby formula and families just struggling to get basic items like that?

Me: Again, this is a really inappropriate question to be asking a former First Lady. But, hey, Faux News and the Trumps have to get their digs in, right?

Melania: It’s heartbreaking to see that they are struggling, and it, the food is not available for children.

Me: She has a creepy little smile on her face as she ends that sentence.

Melania: In 21st Century, in United States of America.

Me: Creepy little smile turns into big grin.

Interviewer: Why is it happening?

Me: WTH? Is Melania an expert on supply chains or distribution? Or plant safety? Or anything?

Melania: Leadership.

Me: Jeezus. Of course. I fucking hate these people. Oh, and she has a giant shit-eating grin on her face as she says this.

Interviewer: (nodding and grinning) Leadership.

Me: You just know Trump and Faux set up these questions…

We went away for a commercial break, so the host finishes his comment/question.

Interviewer: Or lack thereof?

Malanoma: (giant shit-eating grin on her face) Yeah.

Interviewer: I know opiods was part of your Be Best initiative, uh, I was watching the, the news recently — records amounts of drugs–

Melanoma: Yes.

Interviewer: We did a little research, you were the only First Lady to go to the border. You did it twice.

Me: They’re showing a split-screen of her “border” visits — one is in McAllen, TX on June 21, 2018. The other is in Tucson, AZ on June 28, 2018.

Melanoma: Yes

Interviewer: What’s it like to see the things you worked so hard on change so drastically?

Me: Wait, wut? Was Malodora single-handedly fighting the war on drugs down there for us?

Malodora: Eet’s very sad to see dat it change so drastically. I know that, that, uh, Covid, uh, brought, uh, anodder, um, struggles to duh people who were having problems before, but, uh, what’s going on, it’s, um, unthinkable. A lot of, um, people are dying from drugs, and it’s, um, it’s very sad to see.

Interviewer: How did you put up with the constant criticism?

(Video clip from CNN’s “The Situation Room,” June 21, 2018) Wolf Blitzer: Fashion statment. Mrs. Trump flew to and from the nation’s capital while wearing a jacket with a stunning phrase on the back, declaring, “I really don’t care, do u?”

Interviewer: The media–

Me: Yes, the media’s to blame for that. Surely not the woman who was trolling them and the country…

Interviewer: –take, uh, um, Vogue, for example, five months into Joe Biden’s presid- Jill Biden’s on the cover. Kamala Harris’s on the cover before she’s even sworn in. Hillary Clinton was on the cover when she was First Lady. Michelle was on the cover three times. Yet, with your business background–

Me: What the actual hell? What business background does Melanoma have? How to turn a pair of inflated boobs into a golden meal ticket?

Interviewer: –your fashion background, and your beauty, never on the cover of Vogue. Why the double standard?

Me: Puking my guts out right now. I can’t believe what a bitchfest this is… and it’s not like I was unprepared for it being so.

Melanoma: Dey’re biased. And, um, dey have likes and dislikes. And it’s so obvious, and I think American people, and, uh, everyone see it.

Me: Yes, that was a literal transcription of what she said.

Also, what a petty little bitch she is.

Melanoma: It was deir decision, and, uh, I have much more important things to do, and I did in the White House, than being on the cover of Vogue.

Me: But I sure as hell don’t have anything more important on my plate now than whining about not being on the cover of Vogue.

Interviewer: It seems like anything you do, no matter how well-intentioned it is, the criticism is constant.

Me: Cry more, trumpers.

(video clip from “Erin Burnette Outfront,” CNN, May 1, 2019)
Angela Rye: Melania Trump has an initiative called “Be Best,” um, forget the grammatical challenges there…

(video clip from “All in with Chris Hayes,” MSNBC, December 14, 2018; depicting Melanoma walking amongst her blood-red Christmas trees.) Unknown speaker: We don’t know if Melania’s moving “murder forest” down to the Winter White House…

Me: they wouldn’t be criticizing her if she weren’t giving them ample ammunition…

(video clip “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” ABC, April 2, 2018)

Me: Um… so Faux thinks politicians and their wives shouldn’t be “criticized” by comedians? I mean, I haven’t even heard the clip, but, it’s a joke, guys, not criticism…

Kimmel in the clip: …the only thing she’s been working on is an escape tunnel.

Melanoma: Well, people I see always criticize me, whatever I do. And, um, I’m used to dat. I move forward–

Me: Really? You’ve been out of the White House nearly a year-and-a-half now and you’re still bitching about it.

Mel: And, um, I’m here to helping people. (Yes, she said it that way.) And that is the mission. And those people who criticize me, I would encourage dem to helping their own community. Or, maybe, join my Foster the Future initiative.

Me: How much are the Trumps skimming off the top of that scam?

Interviewer: What is Fostering the Future? I know that’s an, an initiative of Be Best, why is working with foster kids such a passion of yours?

Mel: I started to work, and, uh, visiting the foster care facilities, uh, when I was in the White House. And, uh, just last week I visited a Place of Hope, as well, and met with the leaders of the foster care community and some parents and children, and I met also with the adults, uh, who aged out of the foster care system. They need our support, resources, and empowerment to achieve their American dream.

Interviewer: So you’re using a new technology to help, uh, raise the profile and fund these initiatives?

Mel: I have been working on my NFT projects, uh, since I, uh, left the White House. My NFTs, they’re available on–

Me: Because we have to get our commercial in here somewhere…

Mel: –and And now we have few of the NFTs that they are minting on it. It’s a national park, beautiful, tree-D animated, uh, pieces. And, uh, post-Trump, they are pictures and animated videos from our time in the White House. And, especially the one I created for Foster Care Month, it’s, uh, the rose, the (unintelligible) rose. Uh, some of the proceeds of the sales of NFTs will go towards, uh, education, providing education opportunities for foster care children who are aging out of foster system.

Me: I’d be interested in knowing just how much of the sales of these NFTs are going to charity, and how much is going into her pocket, but I didn’t have time to look this morning.

Anyhoo, there’s two more minutes of this interview that I couldn’t get to, if you’re interested in watching it. I don’t advise it, unless you’re a true masochist…

As always, this is an open thread, so discuss anything you like.

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