This is your first of two trigger warnings. Seriously, if you value your sanity, you should maybe just skip down to the comment section below. Because this is chock-full of stupid false equivalencies, feigned outrage, and repeated abuse of the words “insurrection” and “ironic.”
But, hey… I suffered through this. Fair’s fair, right?
This is a 7:35 clip from Jesse Watters’ show last night. As usual, I’ll put his comments in bold and his guest’s in italics, with my responses sprinkled throughout.
Here’s the video:
JESSE WATTERS (HOST): Fox News Alert, breaking right now. Word of a major breach of security on Capitol Hill. At least seven people who work for the comedian Stephen Colbert were arrested and jailed last night [Thursday] for breaching the Capitol building. Here’s what we know right now: Capitol Police were called around 8:30 PM Thursday night for a disturbance at the Longworth House office building. These individuals, who we’ve confirmed work for “The Late Show” were seen roaming the building while it was closed to visitors.
Me: Oh, you mean like a certain group of “normal tourists”? Something tells me Jesse is going to have an interesting, hypocritical take here…
JESSE WATTERS: Capitol Police say they did not have congressional IDs and were not authorized to be walking around without an escort.
Me: I guess Barry Loudermilk wasn’t available to give them a tour?
JESSE WATTERS: They were booked, and they spent the night in jail.
Me: Which is more than we can say for any of the J6 protesters on the night of January 6th. (Since then some of them have been held to account, though, so there’s that…)
JESSE WATTERS: Congressional sources tell us they were filming a skit on the January 6th hearings.
Me: Well, I guess this is one way to get Faux News to cover the hearings…
JESSE WATTERS: And were banging on the doors of offices of people like Congressman Kevin McCarthy, Jim Jordan, republicans, you know the deal.
Me: So I wonder if they were, you know the deal, calling for these people’s heads? Or shouting they were going to hang them? Or just, you know, smearing feces on the walls and doors of their offices? Yeah, probably not…
JESSE WATTERS: One of the individuals, Robert Smigel, was pictured when he was in the Capitol yesterday. Smigel’s a comedian who’s appeared on the Colbert show several times, as you can see here.
Me: He’s showing one clip from “The Late Show,” so I guess “several” now means “once”? For the record, Smigel has been a guest repeatedly, but he’s only showing one clip, so…
JESSE WATTERS: The name of the others who were on Capitol Hill from the show are: Jake Plunkett, Allison Martinez, Tyrone Dean, Stephen Romond, Nicoletta Green, Brendan Hurley, Josh Comers, and David Feldman. I want to point out these were not low-level people working for Colbert; we can confirm that Jake Plunkett is a senior producer and director at the show.
Me: Here’s where I’m going to insert a little context, since Jesse seems to want to really pump up the outrage. Robert Smigel has a hand puppet character called “Triumph, the Insult Comedy Dog.” He and the others with him were there doing a comedy bit related to the January 6th hearings. If you’ve ever seen any Triumph sketches, you know he’s an equal-opportunity purveyor of insults — nobody escapes unscathed. He’s lewd, he’s crude, and he’s going to be offensive.
That’s your second trigger warning. So if you want to know the kind of bits Triumph does…
Here’s a sketch where he skewers touchy, leftie college students:
Here’s one where he skewers Trump supporters:
And here’s one where he makes merciless fun of Star Wars fans:
Here’s how Yahoo News covered the “breach.”
At some point they were asked to leave but stayed behind to do some filler bits in the hallways. That’s when Capitol Police were called.
Now, I’m not here to defend them; if they weren’t authorized to be there, then they should be arrested. But let’s not pretend this is some terrible attack either. But let’s see what Jesse has to say about it…
JESSE WATTERS: Josh Comers is a writer; Allison Martinez is an associate producer. Who let them into the Capitol without authorization? Well, according to a congressional source, it was the democrats Congressman Adam Schiff and Jake Auchincloss.
Me: Is it technically a breach if they’re let into the building? *shrug*
If you’re wondering just how “hair on fire” RW coverage of this is, allow me to share a couple headlines and links:
Yeah, I’m not sure how it’s an “insurrection” if they were a) let in and b) weren’t, you know, trying to overthrow the government at the time. (Goes to check what Merriam-Webster has to say.) Yeah, not an insurrection. Weird that they’re using that word…
And lest you think I’m just cherry-picking the worst coverage from 4th-tier RW blogs, apparently Tucker Carlson on his show Friday night, The Federalist’s Mollie Hemingway in her twitter feed, and Monica Crowley all also used the “I” word to describe this incident.
It might have been questionable about the bloggers knowing what “insurrection” means, but you can be damned sure three elite college graduates know what it means and that they’re grossly misusing the term.
Yeah, guys, sorry but comparing this to what happened on January 6th marks you as partisan hacks and unserious people. But you do you.
JESSE WATTERS: Congressman Rodney Davis, who sits on the Committee of House Administration and oversees Capitol Police. So, uh, Congressman, is there an official investigation of this taking place right now?
CONGRESSMAN RODNEY DAVIS (R-IL): Well, this is so new, Jesse. We just found out about the arrest today and I’m going to make sure that when we get back to Washington next week, we’re going to ask the questions that need to be asked–
Me: Questions like, “What can we do to grandstand and make ourselves appear to be bigger performative assholes than we already are?”
DOUCHEBAG REPUBLICAN ASSHOLE FROM ILLINOIS: We’ll ask the security officials why these arrests had to be made, what were they doing without an escort at a time when, you know, the January 6th Select Committee on the 50th anniversary of Watergate, uh, made it look like my colleague Barry Loudermilk somehow took kids with gift bags to do reconnaissance missions.
Me: So, basically, you’re going to show more (feigned) outrage than you did over an actual insurrection?
REP DAVIS, SHOWING MORE OUTRAGE THAN HE DID AFTER AN ACTUAL BREACH: And, let me put it to you this way, too, Jesse: the only people arrested by Capitol Police for touring the House office buildings are the people who work for Stephen Colbert.
Me: Maybe this wouldn’t be the right time to remind you of the Capitol Hill Police officers who were seen posing for pictures with the “normal tourists” on January 6th after they had invaded the building? That probably has nothing to do with anything. Forget I brought it up…
JESSE WATTERS, PAID DOUCHEBAG: Yeah, it’s ironic, isn’t it, and, uh, we’ve reached out to the Capitol Police and they’ve confirmed this with us. They said it’s an ongoing criminal investigation, and US Attorneys are involved.
Me: Guy’s that might not be the burning point you seem to think it is…
JESSE WATTERS: Eh, they are charged with unlawful entry, which, if I’m not mistaken, that is, that is the exact same charge as many of the January 6th protesters were charged with, is that right?
Me: Many of us have complained how light the charges and sentences have been for the J6 insurrectionists, and this would be why. Because asshole republicans can now say, “See? We told you what those protesters on J6 were doing wasn’t that big of a deal.”
If you can’t tell the difference between this:
and this:
then maybe you shouldn’t be sharing your opinions for money.
I mean, haven’t we been told for the past seventeen months by republicans and the RW media that what happened on Jan 6th was no big deal? So why the sudden double standard now?
Come on… we know why.
DOUCHEBAG REPUBLICAN ASSHOLE FROM ILLINOIS: Yeah, it certainly seems to be, Jesse.
JESSE WATTERS, LYING JERK: So, what happens with Adam Schiff now, and this other congressman Auchincloss? Are they complicit in this breach of Capitol Hill security?
Me: Let’s be clear here: a couple of democrats may have let these guys in, and that’s not good. But if they were let in by people who, you know, worked there and had the authority to invite people inside, is this really that serious?
It’s nice to see the right can get outraged about people being inside the Capitol without authorization. Well, as long as they’re democrats, right?
DOUCHEBAG REPUBLICAN ASSHOLE FROM ILLINOIS: That’s why we’ve got to get more information. That’s why we need an investigation.
Me: Funny how now they need an investigation, but with January 6th? Nah, we’re good. Move along! Nothing to see here!
DOUCHEBAG REPUBLICAN ASSHOLE FROM ILLINOIS: We need to make sure that we understand who in their offices brought these individuals in. It’s my, it’s my understanding that these individuals were brought in by someone associated with Adam Schiff’s office, they were over in the Capitol building, or the Cannon building, um, trying to be around where the credentialed media were supposed to be stationed in the midst of the January 6 hearing yesterday. The credentialed media were the ones I’m hearing that had them, had them escorted out the first time yesterday. And then they came back.
Me: Given how the J6 insurrectionists have been treated, you can see why they figured it would be no big deal. Also, and this is just a hunch, but I’m betting it was either Fox, Newsmax, or OAN who complained.
DOUCHEBAG REPUBLICAN ASSHOLE FROM ILLINOIS: And it’s my understanding they were offered a way back into the House office buildings by a staffer who worked for the other member of congress–
Me: Whose name I’m not even going to try to pronounce, because I always get it wrong…
DOUCHEBAG REPUBLICAN ASSHOLE FROM ILLINOIS: Um, then they were, they were, th- they were actually seen, uh, they were actually seen banging on the doors of people like Kevin McCarthy’s office, Jim Jordan’s office. What were they doing?
Me: A comedy bit, you asshole. Meanwhile, I don’t recall you or anyone on the right having a problem with Marjorie Taylor Green banging on AOC’s office door, demanding she come out. But I’m sure it’s different and perfectly fine when republicans behave no better than comedians…
DOUCHEBAG REPUBLICAN ASSHOLE FROM ILLINOIS: Why were they there? And, frankly, I, I’m interested in asking the Capitol Police what did they do to make sure they got arrested and what’s gonna be the final ajudication?
JESSE WATTERS: Well, that’s an important question, we might have to have hearings, we might have to have, uh, our own committee to investigate this sort of, CBS News breach of the Capitol, obviously, they were way too aggressive, banging on doors, uh, intimidating people, I mean–
Me: Seriously? If you’re “intimidated” by a sixty-something-year-old guy with a dog puppet on his hand, then all I can say is maybe you need to be given a binkie and a blankie so you can retire to your safe space.
Also, it’s not CBS News. It’s people from “The Late Show,” which, you know, is a comedy show. I realize being able to correctly define what a “news” network is might be difficult for someone who works at Faux News.
So, basically, republicans and their media lackeys have their panties in a bunch about how a group of comedians “intimidated” them. Jeeze, and the right loves to call lefties “snowflakes.”
I haven’t seen this much bad drama since first grade.
JESSE WATTERS: –we don’t condone that type of conduct, do we, congressman?
Me: You’ve been condoning, explaining away, and justifying the J6 protesters for nearly a year and a half now. You’ve been condoning when Trump called him Adam Schitt. But, yeah, as I’ve already said, their double standard and feigned outrage is clear for all to see.
JESSE WATTERS, DRAMA QUEEN: Stephen Colbert, um, I guess he says he’s a comedian–
Me: Maybe because he is?
JESSE WATTERS, DRAMA QUEEN WHO’S ABOUT TO DRAW A FALSE EQUIVALENCE: –but this sounds like more hijinks, and, uh, like he was maybe planning something. Was this, maybe, even a conspiracy?
Me: I can’t tell you how painful it is to listen to this much stupid, feigned outrage. If they could’ve shown 1/10 this much actual concern about what happened on Jan 6th, our country would be in a better place than it is right now.
I honestly hope the sketch they put together and air for “The Late Show” brings up all the faux outrage from the RW outrage merchants.
DRAMA QUEEN REP. RODNEY DAVIS, (DICK-IL): (Laughing) Well, we’ll have to find out. (Both laugh.) But, it’s just so ironic that–
Me: Something tells me he’s about to misuse the word “ironic” here…
DRAMA QUEEN REP. RODNEY DAVIS, (DICK-IL): –the 1/6 Select Committee that’s just a political circus–
Me: So he’s also misusing the term “political circus” in the same sentence. Is that ironic?
DRAMA QUEEN REP. RODNEY DAVIS, (DICK-IL): –um, they’re, they’re impugning my colleague Mr. Loudermilk for taking people on a tour of the House office buildings, who were there on January 5th–
Me: When the House wasn’t open for public tours…
DRAMA QUEEN REP. RODNEY DAVIS, (DICK-IL): –they wanted to see their member of Congress–
Me: When my high school marching band went to DC and met with our member of Congress, he did not take us down to the basement levels to photograph hallways and staircases… Just sayin’. Hell, he didn’t give us a personally guieded tour himself. But then, we weren’t a group of insurrectionists casing the joint, either.
DRAMA QUEEN REP. RODNEY DAVIS, (DICK-IL): –they ate, they ate lunch at the Longworth cafeteria, went to the gift shop, but they made it seem like somehow those individuals that included children were part of those who broke the law the next day.
Me: Didn’t we establish that the guy taking pictures with 4 phones was, in fact, in the crowd the next day?
And, I’m just spitballin’ here, but what better way to hide you’re inside casing the joint for your actions tomorrow than bring your kids along with you? Because criminals have never used their kids as human shields or a cover or anything.
Now, I’m not saying that’s what was happening here. But I can come up with a reason why people who were up to something shady might bring their kids along with them…
DRAMA QUEEN REP. RODNEY DAVIS, (DICK-IL): That’s clearly not the case. No one was arrested.
Me: Oh, for Pete’s sake! (I’m major league cleaning up my language right now. You have no idea how restrained I’m being in pixels…)
DRAMA QUEEN REP. RODNEY DAVIS, (DICK-IL): And no one’s been accused of doing so. However, it’s ironic that democratic staffers — not even members of Congress — democratic staffers who work for Adam Schiff and others–
Me: Because, seriously, I don’t want to try to pronounce that other guy’s name…
DRAMA QUEEN REP. RODNEY DAVIS, (DICK-IL): –they’re the ones who brought people in that ended up getting arrested by Capitol Police. That’s saying something.
JESSE WATTERS, SMIRKING JERK: Do you expect Adam Schiff to ‘fess up to this, because I know him, probably just as well as you do, they guy’s a dishonest actor.
Me: Unlike you and this dick congressman from Illinois…
JESSE WATTERS, SMIRKING JERK: He lied throughout the Russia investigation, and we know what he lied about during the Ukraine impeachment situation–
Me: Um… maybe one of you can refresh my memory on what Schiff lied about in either of those cases…
JESSE WATTERS, SMIRKING JERK: I don’t see him taking any responsibility for this, do you?
Me: Didn’t they establish it was an unnamed member of his staff, not him? So why would they demand Schiff take responsibility?
Oh, sorry. I forgot who we’re dealing with here. My bad…
LYING RODNEY DAVIS (TWIT-IL): (chuckling) Well, my colleague Mr. Schiff hasn’t taken any responsibility for the Russia hoax, and he should.
Me: The Russia “hoax” where, you know, Donald Trump made it really clear he wanted Russia’s help? “Russia, if you’re listening…”
LYING RODNEY DAVIS (TWIT-IL): He repeated lie, after lie, after lie, after lie. Uh, that cost taxpayers–
Me: Right. The GOP is so concerned about fiscal responsibility when it’s democrats spending money… eye roll
LYING RODNEY DAVIS (TWIT-IL): –hundreds of millions of dollars.
Me: Even if you fold in the cost of Mueller’s investigation, they didn’t spend that much, but okay, liar. Meanwhile, remind us again how much the Durham investigation has cost the taxpayers, huh?
LYING RODNEY DAVIS (TWIT-IL): That’s why arrests like this–
Me: I really am trying to control my rage right now. It’s a losing battle.
Keep in mind, he’s comparing what happened on January 6th with a handful of comedians banging on doors of congressional offices so they can do a comedy bit. I’m assuming if they were there after hours, they were banging on the doors knowing no one was in there, so they weren’t bothering anyone. But… whatevs. This is the worst thing ever, and way worse than Trump extorting the President of Ukraine to help him torpedo his opponent.
LYING RODNEY DAVIS (TWIT-IL): –need to be publicized–
Me: Good thing we have Faux to the rescue here! It’s not like they have their schedule full of covering the J6 hearing or other legitimate news or anything…
LYING RODNEY DAVIS (TWIT-IL): –and people need to be held accountable for these decisions, so that we start to see that there’s not two tiers of justice.
Me: Keep in mind, he’s comparing this:
to this:
Me: I just want to point out what a collossal waste of time and taxpayer money it would be for this jackass and his jackass GQP buddies to conduct a hearing about this matter.
JESSE WATTERS: Alright. So, uh, Colbert producers breached the Capitol, um, were arrested, and Adam Schiff was complicit.
Me: Oh, jeeze. I can’t even. Kill me now. I still have 45 seconds left…
JESSE WATTERS: And, that’s what we have, tonight on Jesse Watters Primetime at Seven O’Clock. It’s just ironic–
Me: Please look up the word “ironic.”
JESSE WATTERS, ILLITERATE FOX “NEWS” HOST: –this is happening as the January 6th Committee is holding hearings, and on the 50th anniversary of the Watergate break-in.
Me: No. What’s ironic is that you’re pretending that a crew from a TV comedy show engaged in some questionable choices is no different from what happened on Jan 6th or during the Watergate break-in.
JESSE WATTERS: Rich with irony.
JESSE WATTERS: Congressman, thank you so much for joining us and hopefully we can get to the bottom of this, and again, I want to see mugshots. Talk to the Capitol Police (the asshole representative is laughing.) Don’t be hiding the mugshots, like they did with our friend Paul Pelosi in Napa County, okay?
JACKASS CONGRESSMAN: Gotch, okay!
Me: Now that that’s over, I’d just like to point out that their laughter at the idea of holding hearings and investigations about this is proof they aren’t honestly concerned about this “breach.” Instead, this is about mocking anyone who’s actually concerned about how a mob, spurred on by Donald Trump and his complicit lackeys in RW media, incited them to nearly overthrow our government.
As always, this is an open thread, so feel free to discuss whatever you like in the comments below. And stay snarky, my Blender peeps! Sometimes that’s the only way we can get through this.
Tomorrow’s noir film is “Thieves’ Highway.”