(Open Thread) Snark Bites — The Doofus Awards for the week ending October 1, 2022

12 October Carp Tail (second version) Photo by Howard J.

Hey, did you know the Deep State Elites have a weather-controlling machine? It must be true, because Lauren Witzke and DeAnna Lorraine assert it as fact five times in this less than two minute “interview.”

Do you think DeAnna’s nickname growing up was Quiche?

DEANNA LORRAINE (HOST): We understand that the “Deep State,” they have weather manipulation technology. They have DARPA. They know how to manipulate and create big storms, hurricanes, tornadoes, climate change, etc.

Me: Um… so I thought people like this insisted climate change wasn’t real. Is she suggesting it is real, but it’s been created by DARPA and the DEEP STATE? ZOMG!!!! Why is this the first I’ve heard of this???

DEANNA “QUICHE” LORRAINE: And these huge hurricanes, always seem to target red states, red districts, and always at a convenient time, typically, right before elections.

Me: Is she aware when hurricane season naturally falls? For the record, the Atlantic Hurricane season runs from June 1 through November 30. So, yeah… “right before elections!!!” As for the idea that only red states and red districts are the only areas that suffer (she did, after all, say they “always seem to target red states, red districts”), what about Hurricane Sandy? What about Katrina? And if the whole point is to target “red states, red districts” why do these hurricanes first “attack” various Carribean islands? (None of which are red states or red disctricts. Heck, most Caribbean islands aren’t even connected to America in any way…)

Seriously, these DARPA/DEEP STATE! people need to work on their targetting skills…

DEANNA “QUICHE” LORRAINE: Uh, or, in this case, possibly, because Ron DeSantis has been stepping out of line a lot and challenging, fighting the Deep State. I don’t know, Lauren, the timing is definitely interesting and they’re even saying it. Do you think this could be a weather manipulated hurricane?

LAUREN WITZKE: Yeah, well, we know the technology does exist–


LAUREN WITZKE (NOT A TRAINED METEOROLOGIST NOR A SCIENTIST): –I mean, DeAnna, they’re literally trying to change people’s DNA through vaccination. Of course they would be willing to do something like this to target red states. I have no doubt. I mean, technology exists to manipulate weather, and, um, you know, this whole storm coming, uh, I mean, I know that Florida is, uh, prone to hurricanes–

Me: Well, at least she admits they’re prone to hurricanes. But, yeah, this one was special!

LAUREN WITZKE (NOT A TRAINED METEOROLOGIST NOR A SCIENTIST): –however this developed into a Cat 4 or Cat 5 overnight!

Me: Yeah, because that’s never happened in the history of ever…


LAUREN WITZKE (NOT A TRAINED METEOROLOGIST NOR A SCIENTIST): And it does seem to be hitting, uh, the conservative areas of the state.

Me: Given that the conservative areas of any state, generally speaking, cover far more of a state than the progressive areas, it kinda stands to reason the conservative areas are more likely to get hit, right?

Also, if the Deep State and DARPA had a weather manipulation machine which allowed them to shift the path of hurricanes, wouldn’t they have used it to take out Trump AND DeSantis? After all, we’re frequently told that the democrats fear both Trump and DeSantis; if the whole point is to harm these guys, why not take them out now?

Most people would be thankful the storm wasn’t any worse than it was, and that large cities were mostly spared, to avoid tremendous loss of life. Not these ghouls. Nope…

LAUREN WITZKE (NOT A TRAINED METEOROLOGIST NOR A SCIENTIST): I don’t, I’m not putting it past the elites, uh, to target something like this towards Florida as punishment, uh, for getting rid of vaccine mandates

Me: Just a thought… couldn’t God, you know, just as easily have pointed Ian in the path it took as a weather manipulation machine? I’m not saying it was God’s fault. I’m just saying, if you have to find someone to blame, He’s just as likely as a Deep State conspiracy.

LAUREN WITZKE (NOT A TRAINED METEOROLOGIST NOR A SCIENTIST): –and getting rid of child grooming. They are angry with us, and it wouldn’t surprise me to find out, and, yeah, the technology does exist. But you’re not supposed to talk about that or know about that, because that’s controversial or a conspiracy theory. No, it’s true.

Me: *blinking eyes* Keep in mind: one of these women ran for a US House seat, and the other ran for a Senate seat. Thankfully, they lost.

Okay then. Moving on…

In the “Someone didn’t get the memo” category:

So can DARPA and the Deep State manipulate a hurricane so vast that even God can’t turn it aside?

Also, does anyone else wonder if God ever gets tired of trumpers invoking His name in vain?

In the “Now you know why Fox had to fire him” category:


In the “We’re gonna need a factcheck on aisle 1” category:

Remember when Ivanka’s and Jared’s taped testimony was played for the J6 hearings? Remember what Trump fake-tweeted out afterward?

In the “Do you have to be a certified insane person to be a trumper?” category:

In the “What the hell?” category:

Even Sean Spicer seems to be thinking: “What the hell was that?”

In the “We won’t let rape victims get abortions, but we’ll be happy to give them some diapers!” category:

In the “Even local Fox Affiliate stations are full of RW partisan hacks” category:

“Murray’s just talking about abortion.” Like who even cares about that?

In the “He seems nice” category (also known as the “Gee, I wonder why he doesn’t have a wife” category):

That’s Dalton Clodfelter, emphasis on the “clod”…

Oh, and another in the “Misogynistic asshole projecting his own hate on others” category:

Some of you might wonder why I cover people like Clodfelter and Benny Johnson. They might not have a large following, but what they’re saying here will be parroted by those who DO have a large following. Don’t get caught with your pants down, thinking that nobody on the right really thinks this kind of thing. Dalton is just one of those who’s not afraid to say it out loud…

In the “Putin apologist colonel says more crazy, lying shit” category:

In the “I didn’t know Tucker Carlson had a mini-me” category:

In the “Insufferable ass” category:

Your party will have to retake the House, dearie, and the Dobbs decision makes that a lot less likely. But you go on living in your delusion…

In the “We’re on the side of law enforcement unless it’s federal law enforcement” category:

Ron Filipkowski, bringing the funny:

Okay, that’s it. Have a great day, y’all!

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