We at TNB cannot confirm where we received the first draft of the Trump address to the nation tonight, and we certainly didn’t get it handed to us in a Kroeger cereal aisle from anyone named Pick Rerry who was sobbing and moaning, “What have I done?” over and over. Nevertheless, we thought we would bring our readers this preview of the President’s speech.
“My fellow Americans. Before I present to you the most important issue of our time, I wish to say that I’ve heard that some have formed a drinking game about my speech tonight. In recognition of that, I wish to say, wall, wall, wall, wall, wall, wall, wall. Trust me, believe me, believe me. I’m an expert on. Beautiful. Terrorist. Bigger. Covfefe.
Now the people playing the drinking game are so drunk that they’ll think the load I’m about to sell them sounds reasonable. See? That’s how you win.
My fellow Americans. We are faced with a crisis at our southern border. It’s the biggest crisis the country has ever seen, bigger than 9/11, bigger than Vietnam, bigger than World War Two, and bigger than the Civil War. That’s right, it’s bigger than all three wars America has ever fought in. And that crisis is illegals.
I’m not going to play the “pc” game and call them migrants or refugees. I’m going to describe them exactly as they should be described. As “illegals”. Or “brown people.”
Now, before anyone accuses me of racism, I don’t have anything against people with a darker skin color than me. I’m the biggest fan of dark-skinned people, as my friend Ben Carson… standing over there near the desk with Kanye West and Don King… can attest. Is that a word, attest? The speechwriter put it in, but I don’t trust speechwriters. Anyway, I like dark people, okay? Trust me.
What I have a problem with are non-famous brown people, like the ones coming over the border. I have it on good authority from my friend Tucker that they are all dirty, sick, ignorant things that aren’t even really human. They’re trying to sneak in and live among us, like the body snatcher things from that movie, I forget the name of it.
The flood of these people has become a constant thing. Thirty million people came through just last year, and none of them were caught. Among those were four thousand terrorists that we did catch; who knows how many terrorists got through?
That’s the sort of crisis we’re facing.
Some will point to the humanitarian issues. I would remind them that we have places where people can go to apply for legal entry. We have a few of them, and I had to personally instruct the administrations of each one to limit the number of applications processed to the smallest amount they could get away with before triggering a lawsuit, so I know how many there are. Those calls burned fifteen minutes of my life I could have been golfing.
They’re still coming in, though. And these Democrats who say we should just let them all in, I’d like for them to allow anyone to just walk into their house. They don’t say that because it’s trespassing and they know people would take their things.
Well, that’s what’s happening. Brown people are coming into your house. And I’m not talking metaphorically, here. There are actual brown people in your bathroom, right now. Three of them. If you were to get up from watching your television to relieve yourself, you’d see them. Only I can save you from the bathroom people.
And they’re all sick. That’s where the flu actually comes from. It was originally an abbreviation, it stands for “Filipino, Latino, Ugandan.” I know this, trust me, I’m one of the world’s greatest experts on epidemiology. They want to hide in your bathroom and give you the flu.
So, we have to do something. As a nation, we have to do something. And there’s a beautiful solution, it’s stood the test of time: a wall. Nothing has ever breached a wall.
There are those who say we can’t build it. There were people who said that about the Grand Canyon, too, but I’ve been there. We built Niagara Falls. And we can build this wall.
Now, it’s been brought to my attention that of the four thousand terrorists caught trying to enter the country illegally, only six actually tried to come through the southern border. The rest were caught at airports and seaports. For that reason, I’m announcing ancillary walls, thirty feet high and fortified with machine guns, to be placed around all airports and seaports. The walls will completely close them off, ensuring nobody goes in or out. Through this mechanism, we can make our country safe.
Allow me to reiterate: the walls are needed. I’m not speaking just to my base here, I’m speaking to all of America. I’m concerned about your continued safety from brown people. If I were just speaking to my base, I’d say something like: “This is a way to guarantee that your grandchildren only date white kids, and your children will appreciate it so much that they’ll start calling and visiting more often. That’s right, support a wall and you’ll get more visits from your white great-grandchildren.” But I’m not saying that, because I’m a uniter.
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your attention in this time of crisis. May God and his Corinthians continue to bless America.