Sarah Huckabee Sanders has announced her incipient departure from the White House. She’s said her goodbyes, she’s given her hugs, she’s even voiced her last lies to the White House Press Corps. I racked my brain to come up with an appropriate sendoff for her, but the sheer magnitude of the moment has left me without words. Instead, I will simply go through the remnants of her staff locker at the White House, and list what she didn’t bother to load into her final “box o’ stuff” on her way out the door.
- A small voodoo doll labelled “Little Marco”
- Page proofs for her upcoming children’s book Everybody Trumps
- A handmade birthday card, signed “You and me, BFF! Know you’ll always have my back and I’ll always have yours. Unstoppable together, Omarosa.”
- Used pin-up poster of her father’s pool boy
- Damaged copy of Protocols of Zion borrowed from Ilhan Omar
- Feeding jelly for the thing on Trump’s head
- Blank check from Julian Castro for “Tweet-induced relevance”
- Short list of Virginia & D.C. restaurants willing to serve her
- Personal letter from Roger Ailes swearing that she’ll always have a host spot waiting at Fox News.
- 1908 copy of the Beauty and the Beast fairytale by Gabrielle-Suzanne Barbot de Villeneuve, inscribed: “Always remember, I’m not selling you, I’m just saving my own ass. Yours, Dad.”
- Ted Cruz’ spine
- Note from Julian Castro stating that the blank check can only go as high as $17.91 due to campaign donation issues
- Photo of her at age 12, sitting uncomfortably on Roy Moore’s knee.
