Inspired by the resounding successes of modernized television show reboots such as Roseanne, ABC has greenlit an update of Welcome Back, Kotter… and the star power is intense. Seeing a relief from the constant pressure of trying to pretend to be rational, President Trump himself has signed on for the series and is reportedly looking forward to having only to deliver pre-scripted lines. He has demanded some of his sycophants join him in front of the cameras. Adding to the excitement, former President Bill Clinton has taken a co-starring role.
With all of the political heavyweights involved, ABC has shifted the action from a Brooklyn high school to the White House, and instead of Gabe Kaplan teaching general studies, Bill Clinton is going to be instructing a group of thinly disguised Trump administration members on how to get away with sexual assault.
In a fascinating twist, Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington will be played by a rotating group of prominent Republican lawmakers who will never object to a single thing said or done by the rest of the group, but merely smile and say “Hi, there.”
We have been fortunate to get some early script excerpts. In standard sitcom fashion, a laugh track will be used to prompt viewers to recognize when something is supposed to be funny.
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Bill Clinton: “Hey, Hillary, did I ever tell you about my political mentor, William Fulbright? He tried to get the book Black Beauty banned as a racial impossibility!”
Hillary: “Bill, jokes like that make me think that you’re my Buddy. And you remember what happened to Buddy the dog, don’t you?”
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Advisor: “Mr. President, did you really praise a rapist?”
Donnie: “Who?”
Advisor: “Jeffrey Epstein! And, well, Mike Tyson. And others, really…”
Donnie: “Where?”
Advisor: “Out in front of the press!”
Donnie: “Why?”
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(After being called upon, the student puts his hand down and stops making “Oooh!” noises.) “My name is Barrnold Whorehack, Mr. Clinton, sir. It’s a very old and respected name that means that “justice is dying.”
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Clinton (reading): “Please excuse my son Jeffrey from any jail time. He has been up all night getting massages and is no longer able to formulate a creative excuse. Signed, Epstein’s Mother.”
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Epstein: “Donnie, did you really just offer to let Kim Jong Un sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom tomorrow night? Don’t you remember that we were supposed to be hosting the National Spelling Bee champions tomorrow?”
Donnie: “Heh. I’m looking forward to seeing if that fourteen-year-old can spell De-dress.”
Epstein: “It’s undress, you idiot. And how are you supposed to host both of them in the same room on the same night?”
Donnie: “I’m so confused!”
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Robert Mueller: “I’m watching you, Clinton. I know what you’re up to, and I’m going to let everyone know about you and your dirty pigs.”
Clinton: “It’s sweathogs, Mr. Lawman.”
Mueller: “I know what it is.”
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Donnie: “Senator Cruz! Teddy bear! Come over here, be part of my gang for a while.”
Senator Cruz: “I’d be honored, sir. I’ve often said-“
Donnie: “Ted, shush. You know what you’re allowed to say.”
Freddie: “Hi, there.”
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Donnie: “So, Mr. Clinton… what you’re telling us about Waco is that you had an A.G. who would actually set fire to people for you, but they couldn’t stop you from being impeached?”
Clinton: “It’s not that simple, Donnie. You see, the impeachment process is started in the House….”
Donnie: “No offense, Mr. Clinton, but you had a sucky A.G.”
Barrnold: “Sucky is actually a word, Mr. Clinton. I’ve found it in the dictionary myself on many occasions.”
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Epstein: “Donnie! Donnie! Word on the street is that Pelosi just threatened to maybe possibly someday start having hearings about talking about impeachment of you!”
Donnie: “Yeah? Well, there’s just one thing I’ve got to say about that.”
Epstein: “What’s that?”
Donnie: “Does she have any granddaughters?”
