Rumors that a prominent individual has been shopping around his resume have been leaking out of a few nations recently. We have attempted to get a copy of the job application in question, but our efforts are as yet unsuccessful. Still, despite failing to acquire any images of the rumored document, we at TNB have been able to get ideas about its contents through interviews with foreign dignitaries.
Kim Jong-Un: “I admit it, I was dead. An operation for my kidney had gone awry, and my sister Kim Yo-Jung was dealing with the issue of taking over a country which is very patriarchal, but which by the same token believes our bloodline is divine. She was partway through arranging what she has assured me was to be a glorious funeral when the resume came in. Not only was the stump-fingered oaf asking to be the new leader, he even offered to give my sister his special “between the legs” greeting.
“Satan agreed to send me back, just long enough to keep Donny from getting any ideas. I’m going to have to sacrifice 50,000 of my people for the additional year on Earth, but that sort of thing has never stopped me before.”
Vladimir Putin: “Not two minutes after my Prime Minister Mikhail tested positive, what do I get over my private e-mail? His resume. Four years in his previous job, great ratings, great economy… he forgets, I have access to all the real numbers. He even puts down me as a reference. In a resume he’s sending to me. Without asking me if I’d be a reference for him! The man is an idiot.
“I’m tempted to release that piss tape, just so people can see it wasn’t a hooker he was with, but Ivanka. That’d shut them up.”
Haibatullah Akhundzada: “I admit, I do love his flagrant misogyny, his willingness to pervert religion to his own ends, and his willingness to change his complexion. His recent willingness to have tens of thousands of his people die in pursuit of personal political gain is also a big plus. He’s had a lot of time supporting Jews and Christians, but we know that can turn on a dime, so it’s not as much of a negative as one might think.
“My biggest problem is that, in the places where I need a deputy Taliban leader, the people there really don’t like him. I mean, I understand that’s true across most of the world, but I don’t have a good reason to take him on when I can elevate someone from within, someone who’s just as irrational and hatemongering and sexual abuse but who has a long history of Jew-hatred, too. So we’ll keep it on file, but I don’t think he’s really the right fit for our country right now.”
Jair Bolsonaro: “I had that come in, asking to be my new Justice Minister. I called him up and laughed about how I’d just sent him my resume, too, because I figured he’d need another Secretary soon and things aren’t looking too good for me down here. He griped that I still had a better chance to keep power than he did. Then he started yelling something about birds and Hillary Clinton and how the cheese was coming to eat his socks… the usual stuff. I rang off when it was obvious he was just drooling.”
Based on the interviews, we’re almost certain we know the identity of the person sending around his resume, but we are remaining circumspect until we have further evidence. One further interview was conducted, with the Musical 8-Ball. It produced the following which was, unfortunately, missing the person’s name but did suggest its feelings toward the sender: