It’s Halloween, and a bunch of eight, nine, and ten-year-old children have gathered around a streetlight on a suburban sidewalk. They are engaged in the time-honored tradition of comparing hauls, so they can figure out where to go next. A couple of kids, a dark-haired girl and her brother, walk up to the group.
“Hey, Linda! Did you get to the Cruz house yet? I heard they’re giving out full-sized Snickers!”
The approaching girl shakes her head. “Don’t bother. That’s what they promised, but they’re giving out the same candy corn as most of the other Republican Senators.” A wave of disappointment ripples through the kids. One boy comments, “Still better than the tiny bags of Cheetos that the Freedom Caucus members are giving out. Fun size… what fun is that?”
“Better than that Beto guy, too. He’s giving out selfie pics.”
“I went up to the White House.” One child speaks, drawing attention. “They have fun size Butterfingers.”
“At least they’re giving things out,” gripes a ten-year-old. “What are you talking about, Chanterelle?” asks her friend, which gives the speaker a chance to expound. “I went over that Bernie Sanders house, and he just grabbed a handful of my candy and slammed the door!”
“Well, crap,” I’m not going over to Ocasio-Cortez’ place, then! I heard she was “pulling a Bernie times two”, but I didn’t know what it meant. I almost made the mistake of going over there.”
Someone chimes up. “Isn’t anyone giving out good stuff? I heard that Richard Spencer…” He doesn”t get to finish his sentence before he’s corrected. “He only gives out white chocolate. That’s it, just white chocolate. And a lot of people get sick off it.”
“The Pelosi house?” a young boy suggests. “I heard she’s all about helping the children.” That gets a round of laughter from the more experienced children. “Yeah, she talks that game but she gives out Necco wafers and scowls at you while doing it.”
“I don’t think she’s scowling, I think that’s just, like, a mask.” “No, I think it’s her regular face, but she’s always like that.” “No shit, really?” “For real.”
Some nodding from the children before someone suggests, “We could go over to General Mattis’ house?” A girl comments, “I heard he gives out good stuff, but someone said they thought he was going to be moving soon, so he might not be there. We should probably go check.”
The throng begins to walk in the direction of the Mattis house when another child has a great idea. “How about K Street?” That sparks excitement. “Yeah, they give away all sorts of stuff over there! Let’s hit it after Mattis’ place!”
One nine-year-old girl adds, “But let’s not go to the Clinton Foundation office there. Last year I was over there and the guy in the office gave me five bucks… which, hey, money, right? But he also gave me a form for a job application and told me to bring it back next year.”
So, what other places do the kids visit in the DC suburbs, and what is their haul at each stop?