(Open Thread) Snark Attack — The GOP’s Commitment to America Plan

12 October Carp Tail (second version) Photo by Howard J.

Well, it’s approximately 45 days until the midterm election, and the GOP has finally seen fit to release their Contract With America, 11-Point Plan to Rescue America, Whatever-the-Hell-They-Decided-to-Call-This-One. Oh, right, the “Commitment to America” Plan! That’s the ticket!

After all, we all know their fortunes were sunk by SCOTUS’s decision in the Dobbs case, so they needed to come up with some kind of platform to pretend they’re very serious politicians who care about very serious matters, rather than the performative assholes we all know them to be. So, here we are. And I’m about to eviscerate this thing here, like I did Rick Scott’s Very Bad, Not Good At All, 11-Point Contract on America.

To begin with, when I tried to do a search for the document, I found this at a provided link:

Is it me, or does this demonstrate a shocking lack of commitment to America?

So let’s try this again

Oh, hey! There it is! Okay, great. Now let’s watch the cool video they posted!

KEVIN MCCARTHY: When you and your family go shopping, you probably ask yourself, “Can we afford this?”

Um… Kevin? I’ve literally asked myself that question every single time I’ve ever gone out shopping. And that goes back to the early 1970s. Of course, back then, I was counting my pennies and buying candy at the Five & Dime, but still…

So when was this halcyon age when Americans could simply go to any store and buy whatever they wanted, without any concern for cost? Because I wouldn’t mind living there, but I have a feeling it’s fictional…

The video goes on with even more silliness, like showing empty grocery store shelves. Honestly, I haven’t seen shelves that empty since the early days of the pandemic, have you? He cites the fentanyl crisis, which predates Biden’s inauguration; violent crime, and inflation (which we had under Trump and would have if Trump was still in office. Because it’s a worldwide problem.) And then there’s his comment about how kids have fallen behind in school because of the pandemic and school lockdowns. Oh, hey… who was POTUS again? Oh, right. Trump. But sure, it’s all the evil, socialist, Marxist, godless democrats completely to blame here.

*eye roll*

KEVIN MCCARTHY: The White House and the Democrat majority in Congress control Washington. They’re in charge. This is their record.

Me: Um, not really, no. But do go on…

KEVIN MCCARTHY (LYING SHITWEASEL): And yet, they want you to give them two more years of power. But Republicans have a plan for a new direction, one that’ll get our country back on track. It’s called “The Commitment to America.” A plan for an economy that’s strong. Where you can feed your family and fill up your tank. A nation that’s safe, where communities are protected by the police–

Me: But not by the FBI, because those jack-booted thugs of the American Gestapo need to be defunded!

KEVIN MCCARTHY (LYING SHITWEASEL): –where criminals are prosecuted.

Me: Unless their name is followed by an R, in which case we’ll squeal like stuck pigs about how this is banana republic stuff and the end of our experiment in self-rule…

KEVIN MCCARTHY (LYING SHITWEASEL): Future that’s built on freedom.

Me: Unless you’re a color other than white, or female, or LGBTQ, or poor, or old, or disabled.

KEVIN MCCARTHY (LYING SHITWEASEL): Where your children come first–

Me: Unless you want them to learn actual history, including the times when we (even the Holy Founders, gasp!) fell short of our nation’s ideals.

KEVIN MCCARTHY (LYING SHITWEASEL): –and are taught to dream big.

Me: Again, unless you’re a color other than white, female, LGBTQ, poor, old, disabled, or came here from some other country…

KEVIN MCCARTHY (LYING SHITWEASEL): And a government that’s accountable.

Me: I horse-laughed. Because accountability is only for anyone not a card-carrying member of the Trump cult.

You get the idea. It’s all laughable, and we haven’t even gotten to the “plan” yet, just the sizzle they’re trying to sell it with.

Oh, did I mention that the video is full of stock videos from Russia and Ukraine, standing in for America? Because of course it is…

You can download the 1-page Preamble to the Commitment to America plan here. As he mentioned in the video, the “plan” is divided into 4 parts:

  1. An economy that’s strong
  2. A nation that’s safe
  3. A future that’s built on freedom
  4. A government that’s accountable

So let’s check out what’s in each part.

An Economy That’s Strong

Everyone knew that wasteful Washington spending would spur inflation. Millions in hardworking taxpayer dollars were sent to luxury resorts and ski slopes, even stimulus checks to prisoners like the Boston Marathon bomber. Yet after more than a year of crushing inflation, Democrats still have no plan to solve it. Americans can’t afford Democrats’ policies, but we are certainly all paying for them.

The GOP Commitment to America, An Economy That’s Strong

Again, who was POTUS when most of those stimulus checks were being passed out? Heck, which political family and their closest friends were, you know, kinda stealing stimulus money? This is just one report.

Yeah… this is a little hard to take…

In each of the four parts of the “plan,” there are three sections underneath. On the Strong Economy portion, the three additional parts are:

  1. Fight Inflation and Lower the Cost of Living
  2. Make America Energy Independent and Reduce Gas Prices
  3. Strengthen the Supply Chain and End Dependence on China

Underneath that paragraph is a plus sign in each of the additional parts. The plus sign is a link you can follow to see the specifics of how they plan to address each issue. Spoiler Alert: There’s still no plan, just talking points here, too.

(Aside: who the hell designed this site? Because it’s needlessly convoluted. It’s as if the design person/team were paid for every page they created.)

The plus-sign link for “Fight inflation” has “specifics” like “Increase take-home pay, create good-paying jobs, and bring stability to the economy through pro-growth tax and deregulatory policies” made me laugh. Especially the part about increasing take-home pay. Isn’t that just a rebranded $15/hr policy? Or maybe the GOP will up the ante to $20/hr? And, of course, “pro-growth tax policies” is GOP-speak for “tax cuts for the wealthy, while the poor and middle class get increases.”

Not long ago, America was the largest energy producer in the world and gas was affordable. The Biden Administration then halted energy projects, shut down pipeline construction, and took every step to discourage the production of American energy resources. Americans shouldn’t have to choose between driving to work and putting food on the table.

The GOP Commitment to America, An Economy That’s Strong

Um… then we had a pandemic. You know, worldwide. Lockdowns. People weren’t traveling. Gas prices plummeted. And then things got somewhat better, people started traveling, and prices went up. Way up. Like so far up, oil companies are seeing record profits. And they kinda like all that money flowing into their coffers. So outside of government forcing them to start pumping more oil out of the ground, I don’t see what kind of constitutional government solution the GOP can offer.

So if you click on the plus signs for how they’re going to Make America Energy Independent and Lower Gas Prices, and the one to Strengthen the Supply Chain and End Dependence on China, all you’ll find is some threadbare talking points and nothing else. And some of it’s cribbed from what Biden is already doing. So, yeah. I’m not seeing anything that’s going to convince voters to swarm the polls to reelect these asshats.

A Nation That’s Safe

Under this section there are three more topics, each with their own plus sign link to the alleged specifics. These topics are:

  1. Secure the Border and Combat Illegal Immigration
  2. Reduce Crime and Protect Public Safety
  3. Defend America’s National Security

Under the “Secure the Border” point, if you click the plus-sign link, you will find a bunch of boilerplate talking points like, “End catch-and-release loopholes.” Shocking absolutely no one, there’s nothing about DeSantis’ program to wasted taxpayer money to bus or fly on private planes legal asylum seekers from another state (like Texas) to a third state (like New York or Massachusetts). Because we’re serious, you guys, about government wasteful spending, at least until an R is wasting it, In which case, we’re cool with it…

At the bottom of the “Secure the Border” point, there’s a box about fentanyl and in the box there’s a teeny-tiny plus sign link that when you click it it drops down a little box that says we’re losing over 200 Americans per day to fentanyl.

But when we were losing over a thousand Americans per day to Covid, they couldn’t care less. It’s as if the “party of life” couldn’t give a shit about some lives or the reasons for some deaths…

The plus sign link under “Reduce Crime and Protect Public Safety” leads to three talking points, like “support 200,000 more police officers” and “oppose all efforts to defund the police.”

Well, except when they’re not… So I’ll just ask, if the GOP is against federal money being spend on state and local police forces, then what exactly are they going to do to support more police officers and reduce local crime on a federal level?

Yeah, empty talking point.

Finally, in the “National Security” section, if you click on the plus-sign link, you’ll find “Support our troops,” (except when they don’t, like seeing to it they get the healthcare they need after being exposed to toxic burn pits.), or “Exercise peace through strength with our allies to counter increasing global threats.” When did Trump and the GOP work with our allies against our enemies during his reign again?

I’ll just point out once again that nothing so far is specific, even though they keep saying they’ll give us specifics. Some of it is already being done by Biden. And some of it they’re claiming to support, when you can find evidence they don’t actually do that.

A Future That’s Built on Freedom

In this section, there are three points (seeing a pattern here?):

  1. Make Sure Every Student Can Succeed and Give Parents a Voice
  2. Achieve Longer, Healthier Lives for Americans
  3. Confront Big Tech and Demand Fairness

The main section here presents a lie, that the Biden administration “labeled parents seeking to attend school board meetings as DOMESTIC TERRORISTS.” They kinda left out the part where those parents were threatening school board members…

So if you click the plus-sign link for “Students,” you find talking points like: “expand parental choice,” “advance the parents’ bill of rights,” and “defend fairness by ensuring that only women can compete in women’s sports.” There’s also this quote: “Parents should be able to choose a curriculum for their child that fits with their values and their beliefs.”

Um… can you imagine the chaos if every parent demanded that every teacher tailor a curriculum specifically for their own child which caters to their beliefs and doesn’t offend mommy and daddy’s delicate sensibilities? Teachers don’t get paid nearly enough for that…

Under the Longer, Healthier Lives section, there’s this introductory paragraph:

America is home to the best medical care in the world thanks to talented doctors and innovative treatments. But Democrats are determined to squander all these advantages by imposing a top-down, one-size-fits-all government approach from Washington that will only lead to rationed care and worse services.

GOP’s Commitment to America, A Future Built on Freedom section

This coming from the party that wants a one-size-fits-all solution to abortion. Which is to ban it nationwide. Yeah, they’re cool with a government approach when it’s THEIR approach…

They also cite that in the past two years, American’s life expectancy has dropped. What goes left unsaid is that this is due to Covid and the no-mask, no-social distancing, no-vaccine stance of large swaths of their own party…

If you click on the plus-sign link under “Longer, Healthier Lives,” you’ll find more meaningless talking points such as “Personalize care to provide affordable options and better quality, delivered by trusted doctors and hospitals.”

Well, unless you’re a person with a uterus, in which case there are some options they will deny you and will prosecute your doctor for offering you…

The introductory section of “Confront Big Tech” is a hoot. They whine about the “ideological echo chamber” created by Big Tech censoring conservative points of view, how much time kids are spending in front of screens, and, possibly best of all “70% of Republican campaign emails go to spam on Google Mail, while just 10% of Democrat emails do.”

Gee… maybe that’s because the people receiving those emails don’t want to get them and marked them thusly? And as far as kids spending 7.5 hours per day in front of computer, I-pad, or phone screens, maybe their parents should address that problem, rather than Congress?

The most memorable point in the “Confront Big Tech” specifics is: “Stop companies from putting politics ahead of people.”

And under the final section on Government Accountability, we have three more points! I totally didn’t see that coming, did you? They are:

  1. Preserve our Constitutional Freedoms
  2. Hold Washington Accountable
  3. Restore the People’s Voice

Under the first part about preserving our Constitutional Freedoms, there’s this gem:

No administration should pick and choose which freedoms it will preserve and for whom. This represents a government totally out of touch with the values on which our country was founded. It’s time we remember that all men and women are created equal and endowed with God-given rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

GOP’s Commitment to America, Government Accountability section

Unless you’re a utero-American who is also pro-choice, in which case, you aren’t created equal…

It’s when you click on the plus sign of this “Constitutional Freedoms” point that we find this nugget: “Protect the lives of unborn children and their mothers.”

And just like that, it’s no longer a states’ rights issue. And what if there’s a situation where doctors can’t save both? Who gets to choose which life is more valued? Oh, right. Elected republicans.

The GOP is also gonna fight for your right to free speech, guarantee religious freedom, and safeguard the second amendment.

Because who doesn’t want troubled teen school shooters to have free access to guns?

I love the introductory paragraph for the Holding Washington Accountable point:

Government should work for the people, not against them. But under one-party rule, Democrats have used their power to silence critics and avoid genuine scrutiny. When faced with obvious abuses of power, Democrats in Congress simply bury their heads in the sand.

GOP’s Bullshit Platform to America, Washington Accountability section

Nice bit of projection and gaslighting, huh?

Basically, when you click on the plus sign for this Washington Accountability section, you see this gem: “Require the White House to answer for its incompetence at home and abroad.” IOW, this is the part where they promise to impeach Biden and everyone else they hate. Also in this section: “Save and strengthen Social Security and Medicare.” Don’t tell Rick Scott! Let’s be real, they’re not going to do a damned thing to save and strengthen Social Security and Medicare, but this is about talking points, not an actual plan. So, Whew!

They threw us a twist in this “Washington Accountability” section, in that now there are an additional six black boxes, each one is a link to (maybe?) a more specific position than the bland talking points. Well, let’s see…

The six boxes under Washington Accountability are:

  1. Fentanyl overdoses
  2. Covid origins
  3. Big Tech censorship
  4. Afghanistan withdrawal
  5. DOJ politicization
  6. Border crisis

The Fentanyl Overdoses box leads to this letter. Interestingly enough, they talk about rising deaths from drug overdoses from April 2020 to April 2021. Guess who was POTUS during the bulk of that time? Why, yes. It was Dopey Don. Further, there’s no plan to stop the flow of fentanyl over the border or anything. So… rather pointless. As usual.

Covid Origins takes you to this letter. Seeing a pattern?

Big Tech censorship takes you to a .pdf of a 3-page letter. Oh, my! They’re really serious here, folks!

Another strongly worded letter in the Afghanistan Withdrawal box.

Same thing with DOJ politicization, only it’s a 5-page .pdf download.

For the perpetual GOP hobby horse of the Border crisis, there’s this press release that leads to the full letter.

And finally, we reach the last point in the last section of this 4-part plan of nothing but talking points.

Under “Restore the People’s Voice” they discuss voter integrity, among other things. Of course, for republicans, restoring voter integrity means preventing certain people who happen to vote for democrats to not exercise their franchise. You know, toe-MAY-toe, toe-MAH-toe kinda stuff like that.

Also in this section, they quote Rep. representative Rodney Davis of IL, who says this, “There’s a crisis among American voters who have lost faith in our elections, which is why House Republicans are championing policies to restore voter confidence and election integrity by ensuring the process is fair, secure, and respects State sovereignty.”

Yeah, people have lost their faith in the system because Trump and his GOP cohorts actively discouraged faith in the system with their false claims of massive election fraud. (I love that addition about State sovereignty, which basically means “we think it’s cool that some states have passed laws to allow them to overturn any election results they don’t like.”)

In summation, the party which claims the democrats have no ideas and only campaign on fear just proved republicans have no new (or fleshed out) ideas and only campaign on fear…

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